Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Obsession

I am tired of thinking about addiction. I am tired of thinking about my husband and heroin. I am tired of doing things like finding the following list of links demonstrating that my husband's cellulitis in his hand is heroin-related: this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, and this one.

I wonder if keeping this blog is actually not helping me, but making me more and more obsessed. I like to know things. I like to be well-informed. If I go to a doctor and get a diagnosis, I always go home and research what is wrong with me. I research all the medications, their side effects, and monitor myslf carefully to see if anything is going wrong. When I used to use a lot of drugs myself, I'd always do research on them before trying something new.

I like to know things.

It's useless, though, if the effects of this endless acquisition of information only frustrates me more in an already frustrating situation. If he won't believe that his hand is sick because of using, there is really no point in me knowing that's what's going on. It just makes me angry, futile and angry and impotent and stupid, like I always am lately.

I don't want to be angry with him right now. He's in a lot of pain.

He's not answering his phone. I wonder if he's at home, snorting all the vicodin. I wonder if I should go home and check on him. I wish he'd answer the fucking phone.

2 comments:

- Czo said...

I just feel like it should be mentioned....you should be really really careful right now. Especially at such an early early stage in one's recovery, using painkillers is so very sketchy. I hate the idea (and it is common) that addicts don't deserve pain treatment. I'm almost suprised your hubby was given any pain meds, it can be so hard for addicts and former addicts to get pain meds for even the worst and most legit of pain. Anyways, so many addicts I've known have relapsed after using prescribed pain killers, sometimes after years, even decades clean. Not saying he doesn't need them, just saying it is risky. I don't know too much about the who Nar-Anon (that is what it is called, right?) thing would agree with this, I suspect they wouldn't, but what about you holding onto the vicodin and passing it out to him on a schedule? I'm surprised he didn't suggest it. Well, from your descriptions of him, I'm not, but from me experience, I'd think if he really wanted to stay clean, he would be worried right now, and might come up with an idea like this. I suppose one problem with trying to get clean in a relationship (with a non-addict) is that it can really screw with the power dynamics, so he may not be wanting to give you any more power than he already has given you, or more probably, just given up.
See, when I first became addicted to heroin, it tooks me between 4-6 weeks of daily use (only snorting at that point) to become physicallys...lets say dependent. But then, after that point, any time I would get clean, and then use again, I would be totally back into it, full blown, in days. Or at least that is how it seemed.
Grrr, I'd wish I was more positive here, I'm already feeling like I'm restraining myself. Anyways, it looks painful, he deserves pain relief, but damn, he, and you better be careful, and from what you right, he doesn't seem very careful about risks to his "sobriety". It is almost like he enjoys taking risks with it.

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