Friday, April 13, 2007
The Looming Relapse
Here's a link to a Soberrecovery conversation I started about my husband's recent petulance. Everyone tells me I should start gearing up for a relapse. I think they're probably right.
I am not sure what I'm going to do if he relapses. I don' tknow if I can continue to be with him. I think that I will take him to his parents' house, and he will have to figure himself out from there. I can't nurse him through withdrawal again.
I have so many exciting plans for myself right now. I've got some interesting projects in the works. I think I'll be able to handle it. It will be ugly, and I'll be sad and alone. I will have to remind myself that it doesn't mean that our relationship has to end, but it means that it has to be different because I can't live with him in active addiction, and I can't support him financially if he gets himself in a situation where he can't work again.
I might also make a condition that I won't see him unless he goes to a 28 day program. There is one that is supposed to be pretty good at a local hospital, and they have a sliding scale.
He is doing nothing in his own life to prevent a relapse right now--not going to church, not attending meetings--he's really not engaging himself in any healthy activity. He seems to think that going to work and not using heroin are these great accomplishments. Just this morning, he was yelling about how I don't appreciate him because he has been to work for 3 days now and he isn't using heroin. I wanted to point out that I go to work every day and I don't use heroin, and I don't get prizes for it.
But I didn't. I held it in, and told him I was proud of him for the steps he's taken.
I agree, though, that this is going to end, one way or another. He doesn't even see that it's him who's starting these fights, initiating these wild outbursts. He insists that it's me and my insane bitchiness--how DARE I want it not to be 61 degrees in this house! How DARE I!!!
That's a strange ass man I've got.
I've been in touch with the woman who is in charge of the substance abuse certification program, and she says I'd be an ideal candidate. I will go meet with her in May for advising, and then classes start in the fall. They're affordable enough that I can probably pay out of pocket. I'm really excited to be back in the groove of school again.