Tuesday, April 24, 2007


I am wondering tonight about how much of this I want in my life. I came home tonight late. I went straight from work to a meeting without stopping by the house, and I think at least part of why I did this is to avoid coming home. I didn't want to see him. I didn't know what I might find, but I knew whatever it was, I wouldn't want to see it.

What I found was my husband, in bed, drugged, whiny about his finger. I am dying to count the Vicodin that are left, but I'm not going to. I'm sure more will be gone than I think should be. I will get all worked up and be unable to shut up about it. We'll fight. He will feel like a victim because of his finger.

He is lying next to me right now in bed, where he's been all day. His head is under the covers. He groans occasionally.

I don't want to be so callous to the man I love. He just drives me NUTS right now...his father said something once about his mother that has kind of stuck with me. If she is in pain, he said, then that is ALL that is going on in the world as far as she is concerned. It doesn't matter if it is mild pain to severe. When she hurts, she shuts down.

I see that so much in him. When he's hurting, emotionally or physically, he can't do anything. He can't talk or wash dishes or dress himself. It feels to him that everyone is out to get him, to make him hurt worse.

I want to respect him. I want him to be strong and be a man that I'm proud of. There is so much that's good in him, and I want to see it and remember it. I'm sad that I feel so stuck in this love. It's like drowning sometimes.

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