Burned Out

"My wife married a man, and I saw no good reason why she should have to inherit an infant."--from Steinbeck's Travels With Charley

I feel really at the end of my rope. I'm ok when I'm at work, but as soon as I get home, I'm sobbing and sobbing in these big, uncontrollable sobs like I haven't cried in years.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid nothing will ever get better. For so long, we've been waiting for the next thing to happen that would make things easier or better. It was first when we were going to move into our house, and then when he got through withdrawal, and then when he started his new job. I'm so tired of looking forward to the next thing that will make everything better. I want to be better, now, today. This minute.

Sometimes I feel so strong and like I'm really going to get through all this in one piece. The last few days, really since I got back from my parents' house and we had such a huge fight, I haven't felt like I can do this anymore. I'm out of patience, out of energy to deal with this shit anymore. Everything feel so exhausting.

I don't know how I was holding together so well before. I thought my anti-depressants were working and I was doing a good job of keeping my focus right. I just need things to settle in, and he isn't being amenable to that need.

He decided this morning that he's quitting tattooing to go work with his alcoholic friend Tom painting fucking parking lots. I think that might be a nice job for a while, but he's going to get bored and tired of it soon enough, and he's going to get tired of being around his drunk friend. Also, this job takes him out of state for days at the time, so he'll be away from me four days out of the week. While right now that sounds really good to me because he's so miserable to be around, it's not the life I want to live. It's not why I got married.

I just want to feel ok. I want a husband who shares the responsibility of our lives and who wants to help.