Tuesday, March 27, 2007


He told me he wants to change his phone number because people call him too much to talk about drugs. I think this is a good thing? I hope it is a good thing.

He is with his mother, and she seems to be doing well, and helping him to do well. She picked him up today to take him with her to one of her AA meetings. She thinks that AA is more spiritual, more uplifting, more hopeful than NA. I say, whatever works...I think there are important things that NA offers that AA might not, and there is a real difference between alcohol abuse and narcotics abuse in that narcotics are illegal, and they make you do crazy, illegal things, like steal from your family.

We had a fight this weekend about how he isn't allowed to sell heroin. It was almost funny, the way he gets outraged. He gets so shocked...as if I were supposed to understand that selling heroin was a separate endeavor from using heroin. And I mean, I get it that they are separate, but really...I want for him to stop with that whole part of his lifjavascript:void(0)e. It isn't my business? It is my business? My husband shouldn't be engaging in illegal activities...he's on probation, and he could get into a lot of trouble. I feel like this is one area where I have to make it my business...no illegal stuff going on anymore.

It's just so hard...everything. He's so broken up, and I knew he was a mess when I came to be with him. I knew. I knew and I knew and I knew...and I knew that I would love him anyway, and that I had to be with him to see what it is about him that provokes such a strong response in me. I've loved him from the first moment I saw him. I've got to see this relationship through...either until it ends or until forever. I hope that I'll recognize a stopping place if I come to one.

I also hope that this is a crossroads in his life. One would think that getting out of jail would have been that crossroads, but maybe he wasn't ready yet. I can understand why straight out of jail, in a halfway house, without very much hope for his future, he would continue using. If he starts using again now, though, I won't be able to understand....or I will...or it's a disease...I don't know. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if he starts using again now, without giving sobriety a good, hard try, I don't think I will be able to continue to live with him, even though I know that this is not something that is his fault, it's not a moral failing, it's a disease, etc. I won't be able to continue to suppor thim indefinitely, and I won't be able to keep living with him. I don't want to grow to resent him.

I do love him, though, so much.

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