Dear God,
Please help me. I am hurting. Please take this hurt away from me, and use it as a portal to come closer to you.
Please help me to see my marriage more clearly. Please help me to understand if there are more lessons for me to learn in this relationship, and give me the strength to sustain the hard times. Please strengthen my heart, God, if it is your will for me to leave my husband. I want to be with him, forever, and I will not have the strength to leave him on my own.
Please help my husband and I to see each other through your eyes and to treat each other the way you would want. Please help us to have patience with each other.
Please reveal to me my weaknesses and character defects. Help me to see where I am not submitting my life to your will for me, and increase my faith and my willingness to turn it all over, even my marriage. It is my most precious thing, and I am afraid of letting go. Please help me release it to you...all of it.
Showing posts with label prayers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prayers. Show all posts
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
I Think I Got It.
My husband got arrested last week. He's had a warrant for nearly a year now, and he's been anticipating the day that the cops would show up at our house and arrest him.
It was odd how well it all worked out. He'd just finished an odd job, and he had just enough money to bail himself out. He called the bail bondsman himself, and I didn't have to do anything except drive the money around for him.
I was sad and afraid for him, but mostly, I felt really good about everything. Even in the midst of it all, I was able to see that God's will was being done. This warrant was something he'd been putting off dealing with, and it has been a real impediment to his personal growth. Now, he is going to have to take care of it, and it all happened at a time when he had enough money and internal resources to deal with it. Also, it happened at a time when I was feeling pretty good in myself, and I was better able to deal with it. He was put into handcuffs in our front yard at 6:30, and at 7:00, I was at a Nar-Anon meeting with my sponsor and my friends, telling my story. It was perfect, or as perfect as such things could be.
His court date is next week, and I am hoping that he will get his probation reinstated now that he's clean and willing. Whatever happens, though, I am feeling pretty good about it. I'm in a good place, and I've truly turned this stuff over. All I can do in this situation is to take care of myself, pray, and to love him and support him to the best of my ability. Nothing else serves me, him, or anyone else.
It was odd how well it all worked out. He'd just finished an odd job, and he had just enough money to bail himself out. He called the bail bondsman himself, and I didn't have to do anything except drive the money around for him.
I was sad and afraid for him, but mostly, I felt really good about everything. Even in the midst of it all, I was able to see that God's will was being done. This warrant was something he'd been putting off dealing with, and it has been a real impediment to his personal growth. Now, he is going to have to take care of it, and it all happened at a time when he had enough money and internal resources to deal with it. Also, it happened at a time when I was feeling pretty good in myself, and I was better able to deal with it. He was put into handcuffs in our front yard at 6:30, and at 7:00, I was at a Nar-Anon meeting with my sponsor and my friends, telling my story. It was perfect, or as perfect as such things could be.
His court date is next week, and I am hoping that he will get his probation reinstated now that he's clean and willing. Whatever happens, though, I am feeling pretty good about it. I'm in a good place, and I've truly turned this stuff over. All I can do in this situation is to take care of myself, pray, and to love him and support him to the best of my ability. Nothing else serves me, him, or anyone else.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Prayer and Meditation.
I have been focusing on meditation after having a really wonderful experience meditating a few weeks ago, but I have had less success with being able to pray. I have had a few different kinds of prayers over the last few years while struggling with my reactions to my husband's addiction. Most often, my prayers are centered around the themes, "Help me! Help me! Help me!" or "Please help my husband!" Sometimes, I have prayed in gratitude when I've broken through some barrier, and after working the steps the first time, my prayers have frequently reworded the 11th step..."God, please show me your will for me and give me the power to carry it out."
Last night, though, I recognized something new...
When I pray, it can function similarly to my meditation. When I sit to meditate, I am trying to quiet my mind, and the way I quiet it is to bring awareness to my thoughts. If I start to have a sexual thought about my husband, I can label it as "desire," and come back to my breath, my mantra, my center. If I have a thought about a resentment, I can label it as "aversion," and again return to quiet. Once I shine some awareness on my thoughts, they tend to dissipate, and I find some peace and stillness within myself.
If I apply these same principles to prayer, then, I can shine a light of awareness outside myself. I found myself praying last night, and the thoughts that came to my mind were all extensions of loving kindness to people who I love. I thought of my husband, and I brought my attention to hoping that he is able to follow God's path for him, and that the path will include some healing. I thought of certain members of my family and friends, and I bathed them with similar loving wishes. I thought of my students, and I wished them success in finishing the semester and hoped God would guide them to breakthroughs in their work. It felt so good that I even thought of some the people I like least in the world, and wished them peace and a softening of the rough edges of life.
I've heard many times that meditation is listening to God and prayer is talking to God, which was a helpful starting place...but this new understanding of meditation as an inward-facing concentration of loving kindness and prayer as an outward-facing concentration of that same energy helped me understand it all in a new way. I'm excited.
Last night, though, I recognized something new...
When I pray, it can function similarly to my meditation. When I sit to meditate, I am trying to quiet my mind, and the way I quiet it is to bring awareness to my thoughts. If I start to have a sexual thought about my husband, I can label it as "desire," and come back to my breath, my mantra, my center. If I have a thought about a resentment, I can label it as "aversion," and again return to quiet. Once I shine some awareness on my thoughts, they tend to dissipate, and I find some peace and stillness within myself.
If I apply these same principles to prayer, then, I can shine a light of awareness outside myself. I found myself praying last night, and the thoughts that came to my mind were all extensions of loving kindness to people who I love. I thought of my husband, and I brought my attention to hoping that he is able to follow God's path for him, and that the path will include some healing. I thought of certain members of my family and friends, and I bathed them with similar loving wishes. I thought of my students, and I wished them success in finishing the semester and hoped God would guide them to breakthroughs in their work. It felt so good that I even thought of some the people I like least in the world, and wished them peace and a softening of the rough edges of life.
I've heard many times that meditation is listening to God and prayer is talking to God, which was a helpful starting place...but this new understanding of meditation as an inward-facing concentration of loving kindness and prayer as an outward-facing concentration of that same energy helped me understand it all in a new way. I'm excited.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Shakespeare on prayer.
"We, ignorant of ourselves,
Beg often our own harms, which the wise powers
Deny us for our good; so we find profit
By losing of our prayers."
Beg often our own harms, which the wise powers
Deny us for our good; so we find profit
By losing of our prayers."
-Antony And Cleopatra, II.i
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