Amy Winehouse.

I keep forgetting to follow celebrity gossip lately as my own life keeps me busy, but Honorary Cuntface Amy Winehouse has been busy lately, even though I forgot to pay attention. I hope she gets it together. I love her and her big hair.

Life Is Sweet. (And that's scary.)

Sometimes, I'm so happy that I can't even speak.

(Ten minutes later, I'm a nervous wreck.)

I couldn't sleep last night. I was fretting about work stuff and home stuff and family stuff and just stuff in general, and I was tossing and turning and fretting and grumbling and cursing and getting in and out of bed. He got up and sat with me, held me. He was wonderful. He's been being wonderful. We've been wonderful together. We woke up together and had all these plans for the day that are brilliant and exactly what I would want if I were planning. And it's not me being bossy...it's him, planning, changing, trying...and yet I feel sick.

And I'm struggling to enjoy it. All this wonderful husband stuff is scaring me. I'm skeptical and scared and wary and all in his business in a way I haven't been for a long time. Letting my guard down is terrifying.

We've got a meeting tonight. It's good. I bet I'll feel better after the meeting.

I just want so much to enjoy this good time. I don't want to be skeptical or scared. It's hard to take each day as it comes. I'd gotten better at taking each day as a new day and dealing with all the things that emerged when things were going so badly...I am having a hard time savoring the sweetness.

Happy Post.

nataliedee.com

So, the Mexican heroin dealers are paid. It involved me staring out the window, watching, freaking out, thinking that someone was going to cut his throat, thinking he was buying drugs and lying, sobbing, yelling, blah blah blah.

But then, he came to me, and he said that he's sorry that we're still dealing with all this, and that it's over, now, or at least it's as over as he can make it be for now.

That was the end of the junky shit. Let's get ready for that meeting.

And so we got in the car and went to the meeting. It was kind of a rough meeting, as a lot of people who I care about very much are having a rough time, and I'd been having a rough time...but it was good to get it all out and see everyone and hug folks and laugh a little. The meeting was over, and I figured he'd be hiding by the car, pouting...but when I got outside, he was standing there, talking to folks. He asked if I wanted to go get some food with a few other people.

That was a good meeting. So you go to the one on Tuesday and Thursday? You want to go to the one next Tuesday?

I can't explain how happy this little development has made me. He was in a meeting, by himself, and he participated. He liked it. He saw how it would help him. He felt like he was in the right place.

We went out with a few folks after and had pizza.

On the way home, he said he doesn't know what's changed. He'd been to that same meeting before, but he said it was different before. He'd said that it made him think about doing drugs, but it's been long enough since he's been doing drugs now that he can get past the talk of drugs. The first meeting he'd been to, also, there'd been a lot of newcomers, and a lot of folks in real pain, crying and hurting. At that point, he couldn't do it. Now he can.

Isn't that wonderful?

We went home and watched my very last episode of my very favorite tv show, and we talked and made out like we'd just met. We stayed up all night, sleeping a little, fucking a little, talking a little, laughing a little. It's like I haven't seen my husband in weeks, and now, he's here.

I think some of the shadiness and evasiveness that's been driving me crazy for a while has been his attempts to hide the fact that he was still paying off a huge relapse debt. All the times that he's had money and not told me make sense now...and this huge change in him has something to do with the hope he found in that meeting last night and with that debt being gone.

So I know, all this could fall apart tomorrow. But today is full of sweetness and hope.

OH, and I almost forgot, he's going to work on Monday.

Not Dead Yet.

I think it's getting close to past the time for Mexican Heroin Dealers to be making house calls.

His gun is a fucking bb gun. I don't know what kind of addict dramatic bullshit that was last night, waving it in the air like he was R. Kelly, (That's right EJ, I stole your phrase. Whachoo gonna do about it?) but I came home insisting that we sell the fucking thing or that he give it to the dealer or I'd make him leave blah blah blah, and he showed me that it's a very impressive-looking bb gun.

So that's one thing not to be scared about.

He'd fixed a bath for me when I got home. I like baths. We talked a lot, and I told him what I need. Here's the list:

• No guns.
• No threats of criminal activity.
• No strange mofos up in my house.
  
• No drugs.
• For him to go to meetings.
  

He has agreed to my list of demands. Possibly, he has agreed to my list of demands to make me shut up. He's pacing the floor, freaking out about how he's going to get money. I've been making coasters.

He appeared to hear me, though, in the way that he didn't for a long time. He didn't like it when I told him the stuff about how this addict dramatic stuff is getting in the way of my living, down to the level of my thoughts...the language that is invading my thoughts. Sometimes, all I want is to feel like I've been heard.

Oh yeah...

I found this quote while doing research for this article I'm working on...it spoke to me, and reminded me of what I was doing. I keep forgetting. Maybe I'm getting old. Or maybe I'm tired. Or maybe I'm exactly where I need to be.

What if everyone decided right and wrong for themselves, without any regard for conventional morality? What if everyone did whatever they wanted to, with the courage to face any consequences? What if everyone feared loveless, lifeless monotony more than they fear taking risks, more than they fear being hungry or cold or in danger? What if everyone set down their "responsibilities" and "common sense," and dared to pursue their wildest dreams, to set the stakes high and live each day as if it were the last? Think what a place the world would be!

-from Crime Thinc

Mind On Fire.

Now I've always been a moody bitch, but my ups and downs over the last few days have been astonishing to me. My husband is moody, generally, and specifically right now while his brain is all heroin-addled and unrecovering...so he has an excuse. I don't.

In the middle of the night, I woke up, frantic about money. I sobbed and got online, searching for a part time job. Then I sobbed because I'm even considering getting a part time job. Then I went to get in bed, and I felt all warm and safe and happy in his arms. He grumbled in that delicious, sleepy way, and folded me up. And I fell asleep for a bit, and then I woke up, furious that he had me in his arms, furious that he had the audacity to be asleep at 3:30 in the morning instead of online, looking for jobs. And then I got up and stomped around, mad as hell. And then I wanted more of that arm-folding, and so I was back to bed, and warm and fuzzy again, and asleep, and then awake, and horny and wanting to fuck, and then asleep, and then awake, scared about money....

What the fuck? So now I'm at work, exhausted because my mind was on fire all night.