Tuesday, April 21, 2009

PTSD and Me.

Ahhh, therapy.

We met with our new marriage counselor today. Our previous one, who I'd come to trust and respect, had to go away on leave for a few months, and now we have a new one. It was interesting.

I completely melted down in the session. I had no idea it was going to happen, but it did. My husband was yelling. I was talking about being afraid, and he was telling me that I am not afraid of him and that I was misrepresenting the situation to make it seem like he's a bully. I was shaking and crying and unable to speak.

Apparently, I am recovering from trauma.

It's interesting.

These counselors seem to think that the traumatic incident must be in my childhood. There certainly was trauma in my childhood, but it doesn't quite seem true to me that the trauma that is rendering me speechless in marriage counseling comes from those instances. Those instances got me ready to be in a relationship with my husband, but the trauma I'm reeling from right now is the trauma that has come from this relationship. Living constantly in a state of fear and stress and doubt for a couple of years has made quite an impact on me. I'm working on recovering from it, and I know that my husband is, too; however, the marks are there. It's real, and it's going to take a lot of work on both of our parts to get through it. I know I've got it in me to push through to the other side, but I'm not sure that my husband has it in him. The counselor today observed the lack of empathy my husband had for my apparent fear.