Wednesday, February 18, 2009

My Heart.

I don't want my marriage to have to end. I don't want it. I don't want it. I don't want it. I want my husband to be well and be mine. I want for us to live a long, happy life together. I don't want to give him up, more than anything else, ever. He has my heart, and he takes it with him when we are apart.

I am also exhausted, and I don't want to keep living this way.

There is an easy solution. When my husband was attending meetings regularly, working with a sponsor, and putting his efforts into recovery, our relationship was healthy and growing. When he began to slack off, we began to bicker. Now that he's doing nothing, we barely speak. He's not going to make it on his own, and he's not going to go back to recovery until he's ready. It's the easiest, clearest solution to what is wrong with his life and with our relationship, and he won't take it. He knows the answer, and he won't do the work. It's the most frustrating thing I've ever experienced.

I really thought it was going to work this time.

I am going to meet with our marriage counselor individually next week to talk about setting boundaries around recovery. I need these boundaries to be able to live with him, but I am not able to set them. It doesn't feel safe when my husband isn't present. When we go to marriage counseling together, I have a hard time expressing my feelings and admitting my thoughts because I fear my husband's reactions, so it seemed like it might be helpful to go to her one-on-one and put all my issues out. A few days later, my husband and I will go for a joint session and see what happens.

It seems that the lesson God has for me these days is patience and perseverance. I'm restless for a way out of this pain, but no one has a quick one.

Over the last several days, my husband has been asleep for most of the day. It seems to me that he's really depressed, but he's not ready to admit that he's having a problem or to do anything about it. I don't understand how this is ever going to stop.