Monday, February 9, 2009

I Want Out.

I wonder if I'm depressed. Maybe I need to be medicated.

My husband sat me down this morning and told me that while he knows that he's made a lot of progress in himself over the last few months, he also realizes that he hasn't done enough to begin to repair our relationship. I appreciate that he recognizes that I'm still struggling and not getting many of my needs met in our present living situation, and I'm glad that he's taking on our relationship as an issue.

But this evening, as I was going to volunteer at the prayer center where we both signed on to work, he decided not to come with me. As I was walking out the door, I told him I'd be home around 7:30 to pick him up for the meeting that we both attend on Monday nights, and he said he'd decided not to go to this meeting anymore.

I feel like I keep letting things go and letting things go. He originally was doing 90 meetings in 90 days, which was why I let him come back to live with me after he got out of the hospital. Now, he's cut back his meeting attendance to 4 meetings a week. It bothered me that he wasn't keeping his commitment to me, but I'd let it go because it seemed like it was a really good thing that he's attending 4 meetings a week. He seemed to be in a pretty good routine, and I figured I should stay out of his recovery.

If he's cutting out this meeting, though, I'm sure that there will be more to come. I know this pattern. I don't want it to happen, and I don't know what I want to do.

I set a boundary: He could be a part of my life if he was in recovery. While he is doing a good job of not using drugs, he's not doing much else that I can see. He promises me that all kinds of wonderful things are happening inside of him, but what I see is the same thing I've seen for a long time. He's on the couch a lot. He naps. It's different now because sometimes he's on the couch with the Bible or the Big Book, and he writes in a journal and prays. Frequently, he calls his parents and fights with them about how they're not recovering right. He has lots of opinions about their program.

From my point of view, he's working everyone's program but his own.

I hate it that I feel like I know where this is going. My husband on his own doesn't do very well. He's strung together some wonderful clean time over these last months, and it was because of his involvement in AA. He's not graduated, and he's going to come unglued if he keeps this pattern up. I've done this before with him, and I don't want to do it again.

My instinct is to cut and run, now, before it gets bad. My new Al-Anon sponsor discourages me from making rash, quick decisions based on my fears, and while I know she's right, I also know that I owe it to myself never again to live the way I lived for much too long. I won't do it. I don't want even to walk up to the brink of it and peek over. I want out, now.