Wednesday, January 21, 2009


I'm building new walls. I'm not sure why.

I feel a cooling in my emotions toward my husband. I love him. I don't doubt that I love him...I'm just less excited about the prospect of him entering recovery.

Secretly, there is a part of me that wishes I'd never let him come back home. I am afraid that the risk of him being home with me outweighs the benefit.

I never want to hurt the ways I've been hurting--never, ever again. I never want to feel those things. I am afraid of moving backwards, and I have no guarantee against it.

I guess, also, that the new sheen of his recovery is wearing off. His going to a meeting almost every day is less exciting than it was, so now what I see is a man who doesn't do much for 23 hours of the day, but does the right thing for 1 hour. I want a real partner, and he's a long way from being a real partner again.

I don't know.

It is what it is, though. He's at home, and mostly doing well. I can't stand listening to him when he's battling himself, arguing out loud about whether or not the AA program is really for him, and half-plotting to find something different, insisting he never promised me anything more than 90 meetings in 90 days. I've seen what it looks like when he does something different, and I don't want to participate in that anymore. I won't.

I guess I see new boundary setting on the horizon, and I'm tired from holding up the boundaries I've already got. If he does decide to drop out of AA after he finishes 90 meetings in 90 days, will I continue to live with him? What if he continues with his recovery, but also continues with his unemloyment? Where will I stop?

I have to trust in the process, and trust that I'll get myself out when it's the right time. I just hope that I'll do it ahead of the hurting. I've been extraordinarily hard-headed about this relationship, and I hope I don't wait until I'm burned before I get out next time.