Sunday, December 28, 2008

A Good Girl.

I just realized something: I'm a good girl.

I don't drink. I don't have sex with strangers. I don't do drugs. I do all this yoga and meditation and praying. I go to meetings about it.

If nothing else comes of my adventures in being married to a heroin addict, I've been molded into a good woman. I'm hard-working, self-reliant, spiritual, moral, and proactive about it all.

I have spent my life being a bad girl, or at least since around early adolescence. I didn't like rules, anybody's. I became one of those kids who sat in the back of the class. I cut class. I got high. I cursed. I was friends with the bad kids when I had friends at all; often, I was too bad or crazy or bitchy to have friends.

Today, I have good friends. Good people who genuinely love me and who I love...I have God in my life, and I begin and end every day by taking some time to re-center myself in my spirituality. I think about what's right and what's wrong when I'm making a decision instead of just doing whatever feels good or what seems easiest (as I've learned that the easy-seeming, feel-good way usually is the harder way in the long run).

I am finding balance, too, in putting other people first. For me, compassion and empathy have been all-or-nothing...either I make myself into a doormat or I make someone else into a doormat. These days, I am better able to show compassion in healthy, productive ways, for myself and for others.

I never thought I'd be this person, and I'm so, so grateful to be a good girl.