A message from my guru:
You are having a problem with finding happiness within self. Probably this is a problem that comes from your childhood. Probably also your husband is having this problem as well, and for a while, you were sailing in the same boat. You were very happy in the both boat, but now, you are going in different directions.
I really, really loved his "both boat." We did find happiness in the both boat. For a long time, my husband fulfilled all my needs. He was my god, my social life, my career, my muse. He was everything to me. It was really, really beautiful and felt really, really good when it worked, but I see now that it doesn't work. It can never work forever. We can't keep sailing in the both boat.
He came over last night and spent the night, and it was an interesting exercise in boundaries. He wanted to stay for a few days, and I had to work through a lot of stuff to figure out what would be ok with me. The idea of him for one night felt wonderful; the idea of him staying for three or four days with no definite end felt unbearable. I can't express what made the difference between those two scenarios, but it was clear to me that I was happy for him to spend one night, but not several. I told him that he was welcome to spend one night, and I was afraid that he'd react badly, as my setting boundaries have never been happy for him.
He actually reacted well. We joked about how we're on vacation from each other, and that it's probably best to keep some space. I told him that I like the distance, and that I hardly hate him at all now. He said that he still hates me a lot. We giggled.
I am recognizing that I can find a lot of options if I am authentic. If I look into my own heart to find my answers, there are many possibilities of what I can do with my life. The options aren't either to live with my husband and be miserable or to live without my husband and be miserable. There are varying degrees of separation that might be what we need to save our marriage, and I'm happy that, at least today, we both seem able to navigate our separate boats.
I enjoyed falling asleep in my husband's arms. We both had a hard time getting out of bed this morning. It just felt good to be together. It felt good to be together and feel good about each other. It's been a long time coming. He went to work, and I worked from home after meeting with my guru. He came back here later in the evening, and we had a few minutes together. I am glad we had those minutes because they reminded me of what I can't live with: He called the next door neighbor, who came over to exchange video games. They were loud. They both had big shoes that got dirt on my clean floor. I got angry that my husband was messing around buying video games while I struggle to pay the bills.
I'm not ready to have my peace disrupted with his need to socialize with big, loud, pot-smoking men. I'm not ready to stay out of his business about money. He's not ready to devote himself completely to adult relationships or to make grown-up decisions about money. We're not in a good place to come together, no matter how much we love each other. It's clear to me from the contact we have.
Another thing I'm happy about that has come from our new "dating" relationship is that we are going to get marriage counseling. I'm on a waiting list at a place that offers income-based counseling for folks without insurance, so it will be affordable. I'm excited to have a third party help us to work through our issues and to help us set goals. He's very good at telling me what I need to do, and I'm very good at telling him what he needs to do. To have someone outside the relationship help us to see what we both need to do to be able to live with each other seems really, really helpful.
Today, I have a lot of hope.