Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Lift Me Up.

I need kind words and prayers and positive thoughts. My husband is leaving today. Neither of us can live with the other anymore. I feel like I'm collapsing on the inside.

I know this is the right thing for both of us. He's got to find his own way, and I've got to find mine. I also know that it's the only way that we may ever be able to make our marriage work, but I'm hurting right now.

I'm opening my heart and my website. Please say nice things to me.

61 comments:

Ashley said...

Hang in there - it's CRAP going through it, but better on the other side.

Sending good thoughts and prayers your way.

Ashley

Heather said...

I truly wish you both blessings through this painful time.

Jocelyn said...

Congratulations sounds weird but also mildly appropriate. It is a good decision. I'm proud of you (and him too) for making it.

Vile said...

The right thing doesn't always feel like the right thing. All the tools in the world probably won't help you, just your heart. Best wishes. =]

Ingrid said...

I am so sorry you are hurting. Many, many hugs.

Honeybell said...

I'm so sorry you're hurting, but you CAN do this. You are an incredibly strong person, and after all you've dealt with (beautifully I might add), you can get through this as well.

Cat said...

Reading this made me catch my breath a bit, I had always read your blog and thought to myself if she can get through this then I certanly can - and I mixed in my emotion for what you are going through - on the one hand I am very sorry that it is not working the way you had initially intended - but on the other hand I see hope for you to become strong and healthy and succesful on your own, free of the bondage that the relationship seemed to have brought in the past months... I wish you the very best of things that you need and can achieve. Cat
(p.S. I do hope this was not too forward and if it was please accept my apologies)

The Traveler said...

(((Junky's Wife)))

If you stay in the present, the future will take care of itself.

TT

fontaine107 said...

I follow your blog religiously. It is so funny this would happen today. I told my husband the same thing yesterday...he is also an addict. It is not what I want, yet he is not what I want we he continues to make bad choices. I feel broken on the inside. Know that you are in my thoughts and I will keep your heartache in my prayers.

Coyote said...

You are doing a good thing for yourself. You are giving yourself a great gift. It IS better on the other side, you will find. You believe in yourself, you are worth it. You are worth enjoying peace in your life.

Lou said...

I've been following you for a long time and I feel it had to end up here, for the both of you.
I have felt for your struggle, even though I'm sure you have received many emails about what you shoulda/woulda/coulda. You lived your heart & I believe that is a good thing.
Good Luck on whatever tomorrow brings.

Can't decide said...

I am proud of you! Be strong. You are worth taking care of yourself. (I hope that makes sense).

Can't decide said...

I am proud of you! Be strong. You are worth taking care of yourself. (I hope that makes sense).

vicariousrising said...

I believe you are a beautiful, amazing woman with so much heart and more courage than you realize. Be kind to yourself.

Sunshine Morningstar said...

I don't know you but you're definitely in my thoughts right now. I hope everything works out.

bottlecappie said...

This is so hard, but you are incredibly strong. I've learned so much from your words and your struggle to find the right path.

I just lit a candle on my altar for you, and I'll keep you in my thoughts.

vicariousrising said...

ps I hope my use of "you" instead of "I" is okay here ;)

kel said...

I too have been following you for a long time and I am happy you are finally finding the stregnth to do what you need to do. You will find your path and hopefully someday your husband will find his. You are in my thoughts and prayers and Im sending you hugs and love...

Stagnant Artist said...

I know that after your first marriage you had jumped right over to G. You had no time for you in between. You have grown so much and seen that YOU is very important. I know that letting go is hard but you know what is best for you, no matter how much it hurts. As the saying goes-
actions User_matrix_actions_arrow

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it is yours. If not, it never was.

i send tons and tons of love! call me if you need another ear to listen

kristi said...

Everytime I read about your love for your hubby I can't help but think of the song "Beautiful Disaster". It also reminds me of my brothers. One is in prison, and one is clean and sober today. Maybe one day he will realize the love you feel for him runs so deep it hurts. But it is about DAMN time you took care of you.

Sober T said...

You know you have made a very valiant effort for him. More than I would have done, for sure.

I knew, when I kicked both of my sons out, that there was no reason whatsoever for them to make any changes in their behavior as long as I would accept what they were doing. I was, in essence, by my letting them continue to live with me, allowing them to behave badly. They learned that your mom will always tolerate some stuff. Their friends and roommates? Not so much. It was tough, though, but it had to be done.

Be strong. And try to enjoy the calm.

Ashley said...

*HUGS*

I will keep you in my prayers. I know you can do this. You are amazingly strong. Plus it never hurts to curl up with chocolate. Take care of yourself.

Tigermom said...

Thank you for letting us into your life TJW. Lots of support going out to you from me however this shakes out.

CindyB1 said...

You are the strongest person I have ever heard of. What you have been through is the wow side of amazing. I know you are hurting, but this is the right thing for both of you to move to where you need to be. Hang in there, do yoga, take care of yourself and focus on good things.

Hugs,
Cin

Decorina said...

I hope you find peace and love for yourself. After my junky was gone I found myself and my own peace. I wish you all the best.

Recovery Discovery said...

Pink Helicopter on the way.

Senlin said...

You rock. You can do it.

Mantramine said...

Wizard sleeves.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Look at all that loving that came your way before I even got here! And here's me adding to it. Love you!

Jenl said...

I'm sorry you feel like you are collapsing. I did too. But then, the rebuilding time came...

Praying for your heart to heal, for you to find peace, for your strength to rise...

xo

krishanna said...

You deserve a break. Give yourself one. Remember the only way past, is through and you are halfway there. And beyond that, you are loved.

Jo said...

I've been reading quietly for a time now and I am really proud of you for making this decision. Hard as it seems right now, you'll see the wisdom in this decision down the road. Some love is just to toxic.
I have my fingers crossed for you.

Lexie said...

I've been reading your blog since a friend of mine (both of us in recovery) told me about it. I see so much of my own struggles in you. I had a husband who went back to drinking after nearly dying of liver failure. After many months, including a separation, I sadly had to go on with my life without him. I still wish him well, but I am better off. I know how difficult it is, but you can only change yourself, as you well know. Best wishes, and keep posting! You have lots of folks pulling for you!

Loving Recovering said...

One day at a time. Seriously I know it sounds simple but take it one day at a time. Don't get too ahead of yourself in your thoughts. nm ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ&*(

I'm not too sure what that supposed to mean. My cat typed that out while I walked away from the computer. I'm sure it some wise words of wisdom.

Tomorrow is a new day and you don't know what it will bring~ we'll be praying for you to be strong.

Keith Clanton said...

I applaud your courage. Remember that in so many ways you truly are not alone. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and send all the positive energy I can your way.

elf_fu said...

The strength to understand, to be able to sever a cord, a piece that has become part of us for so long...It takes immense courage.

I admire your courage for trying until you knew when you could not try anymore.

I admire your ability to work through situations that would have driven lesser men and women packing into the night.

You aren't giving up. You aren't being weak. You are standing up for yourself, for him, for what you believe you two could be. You are drawing the line finally and have come to the point when you have to fix you before you can fix him and everything else.

http://www.2phatgeeks.com/computers-and-internet/the-first-ever-face-meltingly-awesome-blog-awards/

Shawn said...

Sending strength through the ties of the universe to you ... It can't be easy; it never is. Peace to you.

I'm here because MPJ said to be here and I always listen to her -- well, when I can.

laurie said...

I have been reading and thinking about you lots. I want to send you strength, comfort and love. You are so smart and talented - I am so sorry that things are so hard right now. You are so right to take care of yourself and I am wishing you peace and joy very soon. xox

DoubleDigits said...

I'm a long time lurker, first time commenter. Be strong, and know that you are admired and respected. I think you have such a gift for writing - I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. You are in my thoughts.

Jade said...

Someone a lot wiser than me said "the only way out is through". The going through is hard, and it hurts like a thousand stabs to the soul; but there is recovery on the other side of the pain and it's sitting there like a big fat hug waiting for you.

I'm sorry you're hurting. I wish I could help you.

Sophie in the Moonlight said...

JW, Just this:

throughout the pain of your last few months you have found it in you to set up an entire NETWORK for other Junkys Wives. A NETWORK. You reached out and created a community that you knew was already there, just scattered about without a nexus. You were the nexus.

That love and passion for support for those "who are here b/c we aren't all there" is coming in to cushion you. What goes around, comes around, and we are all coming around YOU.

Much love,

Sophie

Addicted Rantings said...

Thinking of you guys during this difficult time. AR

Anybeth said...

Strength to you. It's time for changes. You'll make it through one way or another, no doubt about it.

Christy said...

I read you every day. You have this story for a reason. No one else can say what you have been saying in your particular voice. You are helping people. You deserve happiness and peace and I support anything you do that will bring those things into your life. I am proud to know you.

davka said...

JW- This is not the end. This is the beginning of something better and beautiful. You both will find your way and probably find your way back to each other stronger and better for the discipline and decisions. Hang in there, girl! We are rooting for you!

Lindz said...

I read your blog every day. I just want you to know my thoughts & prayers are with you. Sometimes doing the right thing is the hardest choice we have to make. I hope that this journey will end in your happiness & peace.

Velvet Verbosity said...

I don't know what else I can say that hasn't already been said here. You will be ok, better than ok. I remember when I split from my husband, and there was this weird mix of freedom and pain and fear. I think it was a combination of "I'm so relieved, this feels good, but what if I'm wrong? What if I didn't give it enough of a chance?"

You love him, I know, but this is the right decision because this is where you are. Read some Chogyam Trungpa. Somewhere in there he talks about the Genuine Heart of Sadness. That's where all the juice of spiritual growth is, right there.

Katy said...

It is going to be quiet.

J-Online said...

Sending Hugs, Love and Prayers.

Lise in NJ said...

I'll be praying hard for you as well as for him. Might be best not to think about outcomes or where the road might go for either of you -- keep your focus on yourself, feel the love around you, acknowledge your courage. Churchill said, "When you're going through hell, keep going".
We're all here for you.

Thomai said...

Letting go is a good thing. It's a challenge you are up to and it is worth it.

I suggest adding yoga to your coping mechanisms. Finding and practicing with a light hearted Yoga instructor can be of profoundly useful assistance in recognizing ego and letting it go. It's a great help when going through a grieving process.

Remember what the Lakota said, "You sorrow is your joy in another reflection".

peace and blessings,
T

MargauxMeade said...

You've been in my thoughts a lot of the past day and a half, and I've been praying for you. I hope you're finding moments of peace in all this and that you know that you have a whole army rooting for you.

snow queen said...

jw, it is going to be ok, and more importantly, you are going to be better than ok. Maybe not for a while, but you are. Time for you to just take care of you. And when all feels like its tending toward dissolution, curl up with your dog. I swear dogs give reiki without even trying.

Greta Oto said...

Dear JW, A couple of years I began reading your blog. Just wanted you to know that I have so much admiration and respect for you. You are an inspiration to me. You write so boldly about very fragile feelings and very personal issues.
The first thing that drew me in was the deep love that you have for your husband. This is a very beautiful and powerful thing. In my life I have hoped that love would always prevail. I believe that love does prevail, but perhaps not in the way we expect. You and your husband are ever in my prayers.

Misery Marketing said...

I hate to write anything in case you get back together and then I'll feel like a dick just like last time but here goes: Good luck. You are obviously a person who now has the ability to create a full and awesome life for herself. Your kung fu is strong. Anyway you're a celebrity now so naturally you should kick whoever you were with before stardom to the curb.

I cant believe Mantramine said wizard sleeves. I may be falling officially in love with her.

Lonestar Gal said...

I am so sorry that it has come to this. Please take good care of yourself during what is such a difficult painful time.
You are in my thoughts and my prayers.

Syd said...

I hope that things work out in the long run. Sometimes a break from each other is all that's needed.

apathetic bliss said...

This is the right course you are on and remember that this too will pass and you will be stronger and whole...I am so glad you opened up your comments here as I usually don't jump over to the Second Road.

You will get through this!

*big hugs*

woman.anonymous7 said...

You are amazing. You are traveling along a razor's edge - nothing on either side and it hurts to move forward. But you are doing it. Doing it with honesty, dignity, being true to yourself.

At the especially hard times I've come to feel like my higher power is saying, "here's another chance for you to go deeper, another window into the wisdom of the the indefineable unexpressable. You are ready."

I don't always feel ready. It hurts like hell sometimes - searing, skin peeled off pain. But I've also come to believe those times are my glimps of the Matrix as it is.

What I hear in your writing is that you are ready for this, as hard as it is. Your strength when you feel most vulnerable, your clarity amid the confusion...you are ready to be able to receive the gift that is wrapped in all this pain.

Sending love your way.

longvowels said...

I'm so sorry. love you.

Athena said...

Better late than never, I hope - As far as me commenting here, I mean...

You are amazing in the way that you express what you are going through, and we all can empathize so much. And for being so strong, when you really aren't, but you really are - You really are.

Hugs