Thursday, October 16, 2008

Let's Pretend.

My husband and I are pretending that his fit yesterday morning didn't happen. It's really healthy.

Totally healthy.

I'm not sure what to do with it. I'm feeling pretty detached from the whole affair after talking it through with some friends. Today, I've worked a lot, looked up information on 12 step support groups for survivors of childhood sexual abuse, and played with this website, which Stagnant Artist showed me. I went to a meeting. My husband and I ate hot fudge sundaes together and flirted.

He's really upset with a lot of things, poor man. He's upset that his mama didn't love him right when he was a little boy. He's upset that I'm getting stronger, which manifests mostly in a lot of "No" as far as he's concerned. He's upset that he's gotten himself in such a bind. I see him working really hard in a lot of ways to pull through this time, but I'm also astonished at how quickly it can all fall apart.

He's just so stunning, and I do enjoy touching him.

I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing. I do know, though, that I'm feeling centered and clear. I'm going to visit some people I love dearly this weekend, and I'm excited. I'm caught up a bit with some work, so I can relax for the first time in a while. I'll get a break from my husband, which always opens my heart a bit to his struggle.