Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I Want to be OK.

Today, I'm not feeling like I'm going to be ok.

The treasure for me in my recovery is that I always feel like I'm going to be ok. That's what I've found in excavating my character defects and getting in touch with my real self and my spirituality...I've found a quiet center where I can always go, turn off the voices in my head, and feel warm, safe, and at peace. I can't get still with myself today. I want desperately to feel that connection with my higher power, and I can't find it right now.

My husband called me this morning to apologize for yesterday. I feel somewhat better, I guess, that he's acknowledging that he was really scary and awful. I don't know why it makes me feel better, as it doesn't change anything. The events were what they were, and we are now much more definitively separated than we've ever been before. Even if he's sorry he was scary, he was damn scary, and I can't be afraid.

Today, I want to run away. I want to sell my house and move far away and change my name. I want to sell my house, quit all my thousand jobs, and travel for a while, or move somewhere new and start over. The geographic cure has never worked for me before, but I can't bear the thought of being in this horrid, empty town.

I want my husband. He's gone. Even if his body came back in my house, the man I want isn't there, and I don't know how to get ok with it.