Friday, September 19, 2008

No More.

What do you want me to do,
to watch for you while you're sleeping?
Well please don't be surprised
when you find me dreaming too...

I found some kind of breaking point last night that I didn't know I had. I'm
struggling with some new boundaries that I find myself needing to set, and I'm not
sure how they're working. I never liked my husband smoking marijuana, but I was always able to live with it.

I'm not living with it anymore. He's been smoking a lot of weed with his new BFF, the
unemployed next door neighbor. I'm working from home a lot now, so this
weed-smoking, video game playing, unemployed behavior is very present in my life. I told
him last night after finding another stash of weed that I'm not living with illegal things.

It wasn't a big, ugly scene. I told him what I can't live with, and he said he'd get
rid of it. I don't know what he did with it, but I don't see it. It is clear to me
that I can't do this anymore.

I am a little confused about what has changed for me...if it's working from home or if
it's that I got my hopes up when he decided to detox from methadone. He became
really clear within himself that he wasn't going to be able to succeed as a person
if he kept relying on drugs to numb him to life, and I got attached to the idea of
him as someone who didn't do drugs. I am surprised at myself for getting my hopes
up, and I am surprised at how clear this boundary has become for me.

I think another part of what has changed for me is that finding little pieces of
evidence of drug use--any drug use--is triggering. I know I can't change actions,
but right now, I can't change my reactions to those actions. And there isn't any
room in between.