Wednesday, July 9, 2008

God Gave Me a Door.

Every farthing of the cost,
All the dreaded cards foretell,
Shall be paid, but from this night
Not a whisper, not a thought,
Not a kiss nor look be lost.

-W.H. Auden

God gave me a door. I slammed it closed.

I'd prayed and prayed and prayed for knowledge of God's will for me and the power to carry it out. I got knowledge of God's will for me. I didn't have the power to carry it out.

I look at the choices that I make, and I scare myself. I seem to have a clear split in my path, and I choose the wrong way. I walked up to that open door, and I saw myself on the other side. I saw serenity, personal growth, spiritual growth, security, peace. I saw a clear mind, a clear space to live in. I saw life without him.

I looked back at the life I'm presently living, and I saw a mess. I saw constant angst, turmoil, pain, resentment, rage. I saw him, and life with him. Spoons, needles, financial trouble, sickness, struggle, pain and pain and pain and pain and pain.

I saw him. I thought of his warm mouth on my shoulder. I thought of the famished look in his eyes when he sees me at the end of a long day apart. I thought of the smell of his skin, of laughing in bed, of sitting quietly together.

It's not over. It may never be over. I'm not done. I had an answer, and it wasn't the right answer. I won't have that answer. I want him, regardless of the cost.