Friday, May 9, 2008

9 a.m. Bedtime.

My husband went to bed this morning when I got up. I went in to work late today, and he was still sleeping when I left this afternoon. I got home from a late night at work, and he is in the bed.

Long days sleeping the whole, entire day have never been a very good sign at my house. Before I found needles, he was on these fantastic sleeping binges. I was SO SURE that he was TOTALLY DEPRESSED. Now I don't stop by the depression junction anymore; I go straight to, "Oh. He's using." We're back to this again.

Tonight, I'm ok. I've taken care of myself today, and I can't say that I'm surprised by his behavior. He has had several chances to make some good decisions lately, and he's blown them off. He bombarded me yesterday with a long, addicty rant with a thousand requests to break boundaries that I've set pretty firmly. I hate how predictable his behavior is. I hate how he's such a textbook junky. I hate how special I remember him being. I hate how much I'll miss the nice man who has been around the last few weeks.

I am thinking, though, that my higher power is looking out for me. If he'd been wonderful, if we'd kept up the high romance, the moonlight walks, the whispered words at night, it would have been so much more painful for him to leave when it's time. If he continues to act like this, all I'm going to think about is how hard he is to live much more peaceful my life will be once he's gone. I feel guilty for thinking these things, for looking forward to him being gone. But it's true. I'm looking forward to it.

I'm looking forward to sleeping as much as I need to. I'm looking forward to leaving my wallet lying, recklessly, on the table. I'm looking forward to having cash sometimes. I've not done these things in a while, and it will feel good to be able to let down my guard. I don't remember what it feels like to live in peace, to live without someone working, seemingly, to disrupt my serenity at every possible turn. I will miss him, but I'll be glad when he's gone. One of you readers directed me to that Sinead O'Connor song. It's one of my favorites now...oh, I can put it here. Here's a thing!