Tuesday, April 1, 2008

What Comes Is Better.

Oh I do believe
In all the things you say
What comes is better than what came before
-Cat Power, "I Found A Reason"

I've jut had a few much-needed days to myself while my husband has been out of town, and it has been wonderful. I needed it. Oh, I needed it.

I'm starting to feel almost like I miss him. I'd been dreading his return, but it's been long enough now. I'd like for him to come home, I think.

I am afraid, though. Every little sprouting hope feels so vulnerable, so tiny and scary.

He did this thing that I really liked when he was leaving town. It was new...he gets his money deposited into my account for his methadone maintenance, and I go with him and pay at the clinic because he says money is triggering for him. Because he is out of town, he is guest dosing at another clinic, which means that I can't go hand the money to the nurse myself. It's only for a few days, but I'd figured I'd end up giving him the money and just let go of the consequences.

Instead, he worked it out for himself to have me transfer the money to a relative who was traveling with him...his idea. He set a boundary for himself, and he respected it. That's new, and exciting, and it makes little sprouts of hope spring up all over me.