Monday, February 18, 2008


"In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you."
-Deepak Chopra

It's been quite a weekend. We had to go to a funeral...I'd been debating whether or not to talk about the death here, but so many of you who have been reading me for a while will remember this character in my life story that I thought I should mention it.

The Stray died last weekend. He overdosed. My husband took it pretty badly. The funeral was sad, and the Stray's mother approached my husband and sobbed into him, "Please take care of yourself. Please don't let this happen to you. My son loved you so much, so please, please take care of yourself. Learn from his mistakes."

The funeral lead my husband to reveal a series of truths to me that were quite painful, but that indicate that he's afraid of how he's been out of control over the past few weeks. There are things I could go without knowing, but I'll take them if it helps him to get better. We went to a few meetings (I went to mine, and he went to his) over the weekend, and he's going to another tonight.

I don't know what will happen next. One thing that I've learned in living with addiction is that you never know...wherever you think the bounds of reality are...whatever actions or situations you think aren't possible...most likely, the addict in your life is camping out just outside those bounds. It's taken a long time for me to be able to feel this way, but I'm almost grateful for the constant barrage of chaos and upset in my life. I've found a place of stillness inside of me...a quiet, honest place that is imperturbable. I'm grateful to have uncovered it...that me-est me, that quietest place that was always there, just subsumed under all the turbulence. So long as I sustain it, it will sustain me for the rest of my life. It's a real gift.