I want to follow the Way. I want my mind back from regretting the past and fearing the future. I want alertness, and attentiveness, and mindfulness, and SERENITY and all that. I want it to come, and come easy.
I am working too hard, I think. I'm trying very hard to do everything right, and I'm forcing myself through a lot of suffering. If I could or would just stop and experience the lovely moments, I'd be so much happier.
I am afraid, though, of being so consumed in moments that I forget to take care of myself. My husband is so wonderfully pleasant now...so earnest and alive and awake and interested and interesting. He's been gone for a while, and it's wonderful having him back. I want to enjoy him and succumb to every delicious moment...
But he gets so comfortable when I succumb! When I'm happy, he gets things from me. "I didn't feel like staying at work, so I left early. I won't be able to give you as much money for bills as I thought. I might need to borrow $10 for methadone, ok?" If I'm absorbed in feeling good, if I'm smiling at his charming jokes and his curly hair and his shiny eyes, I am less inclined to say "NO."
And NO is the right answer. NO is the answer that hurts, and that feels wrong, and that feels unpartnered, unmarried, unnurturing...but it's the right answer. It's the answer that will take care of me. It's the answer that will result in him taking care of himself. And when I begin thinking this way, I'm out of the moment. I'm regretting my past so full of yes I said yes I will yes and dreading a future of more pain, more NO, or more yeses that end in resentment and pain...I start to think that no matter what happens, it's going to hurt. We're going to stay together, and nothing will be better than this, and that will hurt; we will split up, and it will hurt. All possible outcomes are impossible.
But I should know, I know, that's not realistic. We are moving forward, and there are more and more good moments. I just don't know what to do about myself in the space-time continuum. I don't know where to focus my attention, to let my mind rest. I don't know how to balance. It seems like the right place to be is totally out of time...no past, no present, no future...nothing to hold on to.