Monday, December 10, 2007

This Very Moment.

"When mortals are alive, they worry about death. When they're full, they worry about hunger. Theirs is the Great Uncertainty. But sages don't consider the past. And they don't worry about the future. Nor do they cling to the present. And from moment to moment they follow the Way."

-Bodhidharma

I want to follow the Way. I want my mind back from regretting the past and fearing the future. I want alertness, and attentiveness, and mindfulness, and SERENITY and all that. I want it to come, and come easy.

I am working too hard, I think. I'm trying very hard to do everything right, and I'm forcing myself through a lot of suffering. If I could or would just stop and experience the lovely moments, I'd be so much happier.

I am afraid, though, of being so consumed in moments that I forget to take care of myself. My husband is so wonderfully pleasant now...so earnest and alive and awake and interested and interesting. He's been gone for a while, and it's wonderful having him back. I want to enjoy him and succumb to every delicious moment...

But he gets so comfortable when I succumb! When I'm happy, he gets things from me. "I didn't feel like staying at work, so I left early. I won't be able to give you as much money for bills as I thought. I might need to borrow $10 for methadone, ok?" If I'm absorbed in feeling good, if I'm smiling at his charming jokes and his curly hair and his shiny eyes, I am less inclined to say "NO."

And NO is the right answer. NO is the answer that hurts, and that feels wrong, and that feels unpartnered, unmarried, unnurturing...but it's the right answer. It's the answer that will take care of me. It's the answer that will result in him taking care of himself. And when I begin thinking this way, I'm out of the moment. I'm regretting my past so full of yes I said yes I will yes and dreading a future of more pain, more NO, or more yeses that end in resentment and pain...I start to think that no matter what happens, it's going to hurt. We're going to stay together, and nothing will be better than this, and that will hurt; we will split up, and it will hurt. All possible outcomes are impossible.

But I should know, I know, that's not realistic. We are moving forward, and there are more and more good moments. I just don't know what to do about myself in the space-time continuum. I don't know where to focus my attention, to let my mind rest. I don't know how to balance. It seems like the right place to be is totally out of time...no past, no present, no future...nothing to hold on to.

4 comments:

Wayward Son said...

I saw Mr. Chopra on PBS last night. He suggests (one of many) that we learn to dwell at least two hours a day in choicelessness. That is to just be for a couple of hours and make no choices. It sounds good but then I thought to do so would be a choice in itself. If only he were a kooky medium channeling something wise from a non physical being I would question nothing he said. Since he isn't, I question all of it. Go figure.

Your doing good. You really are. That's a nice moment to luxuriate in as long or as little as you can.

Jeremiah Andrews said...

The first thing you should do is find a space in your home that can be a "sacred space" that you can sit in and not be bothered. Where you can sit and listen to your heartbeat, and pay attention to your breath. You must make the time to do this, if you want to follow the path.

We are so busy living that we forget to breathe. But without the breath we would die, returning to that breath will help you make sense of all that is, and remind you to take time out of each day to STOP and pay attention to the primal beginning.

But these are all just suggestions. Saying NO might be right, but if you are off center then nothing feels right does it?

Get centered and let life take you, stop forcing or rushing life, you only have 24 hours make the best of them.

The Preacher Jeremiah

mysonsmom1996 said...

Curious...how long has this been going on?...his addiction, recovery, relapse, etc.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

You are beautiful. And I love being here as you work through the stuff that really matters -- God and love and the nature of the universe.