It feels like hot lava, sometimes, all the out-of-control thinking and feeling. The constant questioning of myself, of him, of what's real and what's not and what matters and what doesn't. The ups and the downs.
We had a few good days together, sweet days. They were precious. I want to learn to enjoy them for what they are...beautiful moments with the man I love. Reprieves.
It's just that I do, so very, very much, want to believe that it's going to be better...that those sweet moments are going to come more and more often, last for longer. I want to believe that what's coming is better than what came before. I want hope that lasts, goodness that lasts, security and assurance. I want more than a few days with the fire pit in my stomach, the lava bubbling in and around my heart, to be in check. I want more than moments, more than baby steps towards a possible future that could possibly be impossibly beautiful. I want all of the serenity, none of the hurting, none of the waiting.