Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Quiet.

"I told my dad how sometimes you go in the bathroom and cry and you think I don't know. He said that would break his heart."

I hadn't known that he knew about my bathroom time. I thought I was quiet. I am a little annoyed and a little charmed by the idea of him standing outside the bathroom door listening to me in all my quiet desperation.

I've given myself permission to have that time to cry. I think it's important to get all that bad stuff out, to keep it from strangling me. It's also a very closed, private space...me and my bath, all good smelling and warm and cleansing. It feels good to cry and get it out of my guts.

I know it hurts him to hurt me. I know that he knows that I'm crying because of my disappointment with this life we're building, with his failure to help me build. I hate all this knowing.

I won't feel guilty for it, though, as it's real, and it's got to get out.

3 comments:

woman.anonymous7 said...

Yes. Sharing your pain is as important as sharing your joy. Not as a means of control, but as an access to reality for both of you.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I remember telling my husband early in recovery that I was going to be sad and angry, and I was going to give myself permission to be sad and angry. I know it hurt him to see me that way, but as you said -- it's real and it's got to get out.

ej. said...

You are an amazing wealth of inspiration and strength.