It wasn't so long ago that I was just a happy pig in healthy shit. I can look back at the blog, and it was just like last week. I'm still ok, still growing and all that old bullshit, but my man is stuck in some kind of unconquerable funk. I want to get involved.I don't need to be involved. He's doing him. I should be off doing me, taking care of myself, not messing with him. But I REALLY WANT to mess with him. I want to cheer him up and argue with him and chase him around the house and go through his stuff and meddle and do all the things that I know better than to do.
I don't know why. I know the routine...3 steps forward, 2 steps back, slow growth, early recovery, relapse is a part of recovery...blah, blah, blah. I know all the parts by heart.
I am frustrated lately with the litany of truths that contradict and intertwine with one another. I am frustrated with feeling hopeful and despairing, in love and infuriated, completely drained of all my energy and completely invigorated by my fledgling spirituality...I don't know anything.
I'm off to a meeting.
4 comments:
You know, this reminds me (I don't know why -- I'm playing word association) of something I heard in a CODA meeting: "The elevator to serenity may be broken, but the Steps always work." ;)
It's really frustrating when I realize that all the knowing, all the knowlege I can possibly unearth about something, won't answer my questions. No book or website provides a diagram of my heart showing exactly where it is broken and how to fix it.
When I really want to meddle, my list of 'what I really should be doing for me' comes in handy. Sometimes they're acting so loony that it's difficult to focus on you, and sometimes I have to physically leave the house to do it. There are usually at least 3 things I can think of that I should be doing that I'm not! I work on those and focus.
I wish I knew more about your side of the program. I don't see how letting the addict continue to lie without consequence is productive or helpful. I guess I can see from your side of things, that these things would most likely cause you pain, and be upsetting. I dunno, I just wish I understood more; point me somewhere.
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