
I don't need to be involved. He's doing him. I should be off doing me, taking care of myself, not messing with him. But I REALLY WANT to mess with him. I want to cheer him up and argue with him and chase him around the house and go through his stuff and meddle and do all the things that I know better than to do.
I don't know why. I know the routine...3 steps forward, 2 steps back, slow growth, early recovery, relapse is a part of recovery...blah, blah, blah. I know all the parts by heart.
I am frustrated lately with the litany of truths that contradict and intertwine with one another. I am frustrated with feeling hopeful and despairing, in love and infuriated, completely drained of all my energy and completely invigorated by my fledgling spirituality...I don't know anything.
I'm off to a meeting.
4 comments:
You know, this reminds me (I don't know why -- I'm playing word association) of something I heard in a CODA meeting: "The elevator to serenity may be broken, but the Steps always work." ;)
It's really frustrating when I realize that all the knowing, all the knowlege I can possibly unearth about something, won't answer my questions. No book or website provides a diagram of my heart showing exactly where it is broken and how to fix it.
When I really want to meddle, my list of 'what I really should be doing for me' comes in handy. Sometimes they're acting so loony that it's difficult to focus on you, and sometimes I have to physically leave the house to do it. There are usually at least 3 things I can think of that I should be doing that I'm not! I work on those and focus.
I wish I knew more about your side of the program. I don't see how letting the addict continue to lie without consequence is productive or helpful. I guess I can see from your side of things, that these things would most likely cause you pain, and be upsetting. I dunno, I just wish I understood more; point me somewhere.
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