Sunday, October 28, 2007

I'm Ready.

"When God wants to speak and deal with us, he does not avail himself of an angel, but of parents, a pastor, a neighbor."
-Martin Luther

I've had some real gifts in the past few days when I've been hurting so much. From your generous, kind comments to folks being unbelievably generous at my meetings, I've seen my higher power's hand moving in my life, giving me the help and the guidance I've been asking for. I've had nine months to get ready for this hard stuff, and I'm ready. I didn't ever look at it like that...training for the real battle that's to come, but that's what it was.

I'm alternately grateful for the work I've done to get to his place and terrified that all the work I have done wasn't a means to an end...it was just a beginning. What's ahead is scary and long and hard.

I'm not up to telling the whole story yet, but my husband is really, really struggling to get clean right now. He's probably going to begin MMT on Monday, and he's suffering right now with withdrawal. It's hard, hard, hard. It's hard watching what he's going through, and it's hard going through what I'm going through. I'm doing the best I can to remember to take care of myself, but right now, that's pretty basic stuff. My big victories have included taking a sleeping pill so that I made sure I got a good night's sleep last night instead of staying awake fretting about him twitching all over the place and remembering to eat today. My big goal for tomorrow is to take a shower and do some work.

I don't know too much about what is next for me, but I do know that the sun rises and sets for me with that man. I'm not done with him. A part of me is terrified by it, this love that doesn't have a bottom...but mostly, I know I'm where I want to be. It's hard being married to an addict, and it includes days like the last several. I've chosen to be here, and I'm ok with where I am.

12 comments:

Jade said...

You know, just making that choice can give you the strength you need to continue. In recognizing what you have in life, what you have chosen for yourself, you can begin structuring your future and your boundaries around that choice. Wishing you courage and energy and strength.

Recovery Discovery said...

You're doing great, my friend. And the only thing you gotta worry about today is today.

K said...

It's that self-doubt on your part that's the real kicker, isn't it? You probably think like I do: Smart, intelligent people with healthy self-esteem don't put up with this shit. I hate that my addict takes advantage of my unconditional love. I hate that my love IS unconditional, at least where he is concerned. I hate being embarrassed for CHOOSING such a fucked-up dumbass over the countless number of "normal" guys that my high-school-valedictorian, college-degree-earning, previously-married-to-money-but-I-left-for-THIS self could have had. I hate that I think I apparently haven't been "enough" to keep him from participating in such destructive behavior. I hate that as of RIGHT NOW, he's my "dirty little secret", as my friends and family are tired of hearing me bitch about his selfishness, how inconsiderate he is, his general dumbassedness, and worst of all, my hesitation in getting rid of this fucking albatross around my neck. And yet, I can't seem to ignore his calls, his proclamations of "finally getting it", of always believing this time will be different. I hate that whenever he seems to have "turned a corner" and I sing his praises, he then turns around in his glow of complacency and does something so mind-boggling STUPID that I wonder if I'm being duped yet again, the butt of the joke, the eternal "doormat" I so vehemently and vocariously deplore.

Yep. I completely understand when you say “but I do know that the sun rises and sets for me with that man. I'm not done with him”. You'll know when the time is right for you to take the next step...be it stay, go, or simply change the parameters. No hurry, no pressure, no right or wrong. You can't help your heart.

P.S. That corner I talked about? Seems he's turned it again.....for the better. Am I apprehensive now that I've heralded his efforts yet again? You bet your sweet ass. But I've been playing this game for 6 years now...what's another month or two?

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Doesn't it suck the way that goes -- all that work is just preparation for more hard stuff and more work. But you're handling all of this so well -- and we've all got your back. Sending lots of lovin' your way...

Shifra said...

I love you so much J-bug.

Honeybell said...

You are an amazingly strong woman. Continuing to pray for you & yours.

laurie said...

Thinking of you lots. Not sure what to say, except that I admire you tons.

SICKGIRL said...

It will only be to his benefit to give MMT serious consideration and try to tough out the first three months as these are the hardest but once you have reached your stabilization dose, it begins to improve with each passing day.

I don't think that I would be exaggerating by saying methadone probably saved my life.

Peace, love and happiness...

bella said...

you are owning your own life, that this is what you have chosen and being ok with that. There is some kind of intense and liberating power in your words.
So much love to you today and in the days to come.
You have so many people on your side: pulling for you and holding you and wanting only life for you. I am one of those people. Thinking of you.

Wayward Son said...

I am thinking that one would never know the power of love if it were never tested. How deep is certainly relative to the anguish. Despite such easily-said-from-3,000-miles-away platitudes, I still believe it is true—least of all because I hear you write of taking care of yourself and still making the choice your heart commands you to make.

It is also easy for me to see from this far away place that as long as you take care of yourself, everything will turn out for the best. I am of a mind to come to NC and take a Westward gander just so I can view my own life with the same certainty.

WS

Mantramine said...

Beautiful

Recovering Wino said...

I like that quote by Martin Luther as that is how God works. Keep your eyes open because some amazing things will keep happening if you keep working your steps right now. I know for me everything started to appear around the Step 3 prayer.

::hugs:: for you and your husband. Praying for you both:)