Thursday, October 25, 2007

I Want Eternal Sunshine.

I want the place he occupies in my brain removed like in Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind. I don't want to do this anymore, but I don't want the hurt of the undoing.

I've grown from all this. In a lot of ways, I'm personally in a better place than I was before. I'm stronger, smarter, and I know that I can survive some real hard shit. And I guess I already knew I could survive some real hard shit...but there are whole facets and layers and textures of shittiness that I now know are manageable with the right tools. That's a real gift. Thank you, Mr. Junky and Nar-Anon and yoga for showing me that I'm going to be ok, no matter what, as long as I've got myself to look after me.

I've grown so damn much that I know I could accomplish great things without the dead weight of an addict husband. But damn if I don't love me some addict husband...and damn if I'm ready to let go.

Not tonight. (Or rather, not this morning. It's 5 a.m. where I am, and I'm up, blogging away. It's almost as if I've never done this before. I know I need help sleeping on these nights, but sometimes, I get this idea that I'm not going to take sleeping medication anymore. Hah. ) Tonight, I have it in me to stick around. Tonight, I still have hope that he wants to be a better man, that he is willing to work for it. Tonight, I have faith in the process, in recovery, in our love for each other and a better future.

But I don't know if I'll have that faith for as long as it will take. I know he can do better than this with the right help and the right tools. What I don't know is if I have it in me to stick around for the whole process.


Jay said...

So many sad, scary things, and one of the saddest and scariest is knowing you may have to walk away. And that what you're walking away from is the addiction, but it also means you have to leave the man.

I know you're not there yet - and I hope you don't have to be there - but thinking about it is bad enough. Big hugs from me.

LadyBugCrossing said...

I'm delurking for a moment... MPJ sent me over.

You've got to do what's best for you. Whatever you decide, we are with you.

Question said...

I haven't read here in awhile. I'm really sorry (about the relapse).

I'm sending you some things today, and thinking about you.

Wayward Son said...

I think that life is always going to be about finding a solution whatever that may be. This is why it's so crucial that we not lose ourselves in the process. Maybe your solution will be to leave: maybe it will not be. It's good you know you don't have to make that decision today. I know that this view is easy to understand from a distance and that when one is in the midst of the problem the fact that one can take care of themselves is cold comfort. But I think you know it is a far better feeling then that of not being able to take care of yourself. So keep taking care of yourself and know that because you do, that solution will always be in the offing—no matter what it is.


ej. said...

maybe its time for him to try a new approach, methadone has saved my life for the past 4 months.

i dunno, at least i can act normal, work, not crave or be on the edge of using. i thank god you found me out there in junkie land, and brought me home here, and that i took that step into MMT.

my thoughts and prayers are with you both.

ScOuT said...

I love you, JW, and you are doing excellent work.


Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I'm posting hugs and loving on every one of your posts, even though you know it's coming your way -- never hurts to say it again and again.

Pearl said...

This too shall pass.

It's so hard in the midst of the storm to find the reasoning in all of it. But there is a reason, if not only to prove to yourself how strong you are.

Diana said...

By the way, what's the name of the painter? please answer to my blog, thank you