I want the place he occupies in my brain removed like in Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind. I don't want to do this anymore, but I don't want the hurt of the undoing.
I've grown from all this. In a lot of ways, I'm personally in a better place than I was before. I'm stronger, smarter, and I know that I can survive some real hard shit. And I guess I already knew I could survive some real hard shit...but there are whole facets and layers and textures of shittiness that I now know are manageable with the right tools. That's a real gift. Thank you, Mr. Junky and Nar-Anon and yoga for showing me that I'm going to be ok, no matter what, as long as I've got myself to look after me.
I've grown so damn much that I know I could accomplish great things without the dead weight of an addict husband. But damn if I don't love me some addict husband...and damn if I'm ready to let go.
Not tonight. (Or rather, not this morning. It's 5 a.m. where I am, and I'm up, blogging away. It's almost as if I've never done this before. I know I need help sleeping on these nights, but sometimes, I get this idea that I'm not going to take sleeping medication anymore. Hah. ) Tonight, I have it in me to stick around. Tonight, I still have hope that he wants to be a better man, that he is willing to work for it. Tonight, I have faith in the process, in recovery, in our love for each other and a better future.
But I don't know if I'll have that faith for as long as it will take. I know he can do better than this with the right help and the right tools. What I don't know is if I have it in me to stick around for the whole process.