Tuesday, October 30, 2007

I Love You Very Much.

Please. Please. I can't be sick like this. Please. Please. Please. Help me. I can't do this. I can't. I can't. It's not working. I can't. I can't. Please. Please. Please.

He's shaking, twitching, sweating. I can't help him. The methadone dose is too low. He's hurting in his body and even more in his mind. I can't help him. I'm terrified and I hate it and I can't help him.

I keep telling him, "I love you very, very much. I understand how hard this is. I understand if you use. I don't like it, and I hope that you don't, but I understand if you do. And even though I understand, I cannot help you with that. I can't pay for that. I love you. I love you. I love you."

I'm really, really struggling. I'm trying to keep focused. I've helped him how I can. I've gotten up with him every day to go to the methadone clinic. I've held him in my arms every night. I've tried to feed him and make him change his clothes and take ibuprophen. I've told him how much I love him and how sorry I am that he's hurting and how proud I am of him for telling me and how it's going to be ok, it's going to be ok, I'm not leaving, I'm still here, he'll get through it, his life is on the other side of it, our life is on the other side of it.

It's tearing me up. Everything is tearing me up. I want to sit with him, with my husband, the man who is suffering and needs my hands on him and my voice in his ear, but that's not the only person there. There's always that drug addict who lives in my husband's skin. Sometimes, I can comfort my husband, but that cold, lizard drug addict is lying in wait, looking for a chance to manipulate, to start working me, looking for something to steal. I want to be there all the time. I don't want to be there ever.

If you're reading, and you're inclined towards prayer, please pray for us.

19 comments:

Dharmashanti said...

The two of you are in my prayers.

Pearl said...

Watching my husband go through withdrawals was by far the hardest thing I have ever done. You just want to hold them and somehow make all the pain go away. I remember just holding his hand and trying to pass some strength and peace through our skin.

Both of you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Shifra said...

I feel like anything I might say would be trite. I wish life were a little easier is all.

Aysha said...

I feel your pain and pray for you.. peace

Recovering Wino said...

I have prayed for you and your husband. I want so badly for your pain to be over.

Wayward Son said...

I was thinking of the two of you today when I heard a share from a recovered heroin addict that was inspiring on so many levels. I wish I could impart to the both of you how it was evident that there is a way out. There is hope. And it is worth it. This young man was nothing but serene and soooo connected to everything in his presence. He is living proof that you both can get through this.

The Discovering Alcoholic said...

Stay strong TJW.

Jade said...

Praying for peace and strength for both of you.

laurie said...

I can't offer prayer but you are on my mind and in my thoughts. Big hugs.

Ingrid said...

For you, I will pray. I very much hope the two of you stay strong.

CindyB1 said...

I pray that God will give you both the strength and love to get through this. I pray that your husband will do this for you if for no other reason. I pray that you two finally have peace.

Amen.

kristi said...

I have been praying for you and your husband. My brother is off the wagon again and is doing the "blame thing" and it is so exhausting.

Woke the fuck up and finally living again! said...

Faith

Turning within in a time of prayer and meditation, release any concerns about this day or the days ahead.

“God, I trust You to be my guide and the inspiration for the fulfillment of all that is mine to be and do. In communion with You, I know that I am being guided and inspired in every needed way. Although I may not see the precise way things will work out, I know that, with You, they will—regardless of how challenging circumstances may at first seem.

“I have faith that You are guiding the people I care about, for Your presence is within them also. My faith has strengthened in this time of prayer with You, dear God.” Now with clarity and peace, I return to my day.

“I will instruct you and teach you the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.”—Psalm 32:8

bella said...

praying in the ways I know how.
you amaze me.

woman.anonymous7 said...

Yes - praying in the ways I know how. You and your husband are in my thoughts, and I'm sending you healing, loving energy to surround you as you go through this together.

thejunkyswife said...

Thank you all so much.

ScOuT said...

J Dubs, I just read this post today -- 11-01. I am movedd to..well, way more than tears. I'm sobbing......
I want you to KNOW that I have said the exact words that G said and she has said and done exactly what you are doing and saying -- and we ARE on the other side together. Together we are drinking from that stream on the other side you talked about. I'm no longer looking for the shortcut over the mountain.
You both will be joining us soon. I can feel it.
I love you, girl,
Scout

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

You know I'm sending my good thoughts and love your way. It's so hard to know there's that other something lurking in there -- to see that as separate -- and love your husband anyway.

sKILLz said...

Ever since reading your blog you both have been in my prayers. This addiction shit sucks.
It hurts so many people. We think were only killing ourselves when we should look around and see the hurt and pain we cause to the ones who truely love us!