Friday, September 7, 2007

Paris?

So finally, MPJ showed me today that the San Diego Reader column is out.

I really want to be excited about it, but reading the post makes me so sad. I'm excited because it's the only time I got something published without submitting it...it's the only time I got "discovered." That's a good feeling. But reading it...fuck!

It was his last relapse. It was 148 days ago. We did the math last night. That's a long time. It's not long enough. For a long time, I didn't believe him about the last time he used being that time, but now I do. Or now I don't care. Or now I care too much. Or I realize that I care so much I have to find ways not to care.

Even my writing is different back then. I was so tense. I can feel it in the way I'm handling words, like they might explode or shatter.

9 comments:

The Discovering Alcoholic said...

It's good JW- and congrats!

Ej. said...

Day counting used to be a silly clean addict behavior for me. Now this addict will tell you that the only day I have is today, the only time I have is right now.

And it's not the quantity of recovery days, it's the quality of the days spent recovering.

longvowels said...

congrats lady, be proud.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

You know I already congratulated you -- and even gave you some lovin' on my own blog. But I figured I'd give you some comment lovin' too. One can never have enough lovin' -- just ask my husband. ;)

sKILLz said...

Wow thats so dope! Congrats girl! Good for you!
EJ I couldnt agree with you anymore!

Wayward Son said...

Congratulations. It's a strong piece and I can understand how you feel. But if it is taking you out of the moment and you can see that, then it is an opportunity to get back in the moment. That, for me, is the only reason to remember my past. Because all my using behavior happened when I stepped outside the moment.

But really... it's a great piece of writing on many levels. And it will do someone you don't know some good to read it. Thanks for that.

Madness (JAA) said...

I loved it, the first and the second time and the third and fourth, too. But I can see how it arouses feelings for you.
As for the counting -- I agree about the quality of recovery vs the quantity. BUT! For a heroin addict who couldn't stay clean over four hours, counting the days is important shit. Add up the miracle, man. I've been clean 690 days!
Wow!
Love,
Scout

Recovery Discovery said...

"For a long time, I didn't believe him about the last time he used being that time, but now I do. Or now I don't care. Or now I care too much. Or I realize that I care so much I have to find ways not to care."

Hmmh, how bout it "seems" to be 148 days ago. "Seems" is my new detachment tool that I just got from Married to an Addict. Here's what I told her:

""Seems?" But I don't want to claim to know when what if I don't?" You know, "seems" is a powerful word. I think I'm going to try using it, at least inside my own head, to get unhooked. It might have helped me get through learning more and more about what really has been going on over the last few days without quite so much turmoil. Thank you for "seems." It's going in my toolbox.

Meanwhile, congrats on being published. Yay you!!!!!!!

thejunkyswife said...

"Seems!"

That's genius! It acknowledges that you might be on the receiving end of a giant line of bullshit, but that things might be better. I'm going to live in the subjunctive. I've been doing that forever, anyway.