So finally, MPJ showed me today that the San Diego Reader column is out.
I really want to be excited about it, but reading the post makes me so sad. I'm excited because it's the only time I got something published without submitting it...it's the only time I got "discovered." That's a good feeling. But reading it...fuck!
It was his last relapse. It was 148 days ago. We did the math last night. That's a long time. It's not long enough. For a long time, I didn't believe him about the last time he used being that time, but now I do. Or now I don't care. Or now I care too much. Or I realize that I care so much I have to find ways not to care.
Even my writing is different back then. I was so tense. I can feel it in the way I'm handling words, like they might explode or shatter.