Wednesday, September 12, 2007

A Brief Voyage Into The Land Of Idiocy.

So last night, we agreed that we'd meet in a parking lot after my meeting, and we'd drive together to his parents' house. He'd borrowed their car, and we needed to return it. The place where my meeting is held is halfway to his folks' place, so it made sense to travel together.

He has my phone, as I've had his turned off since he can't pay the bill. (Yay, big codependent victory. Boo, big codependent sucker-ass move in letting him use my phone while I'm at work.) I get out of the meeting, and he isn't there. I wait. I pace. He's not there.

Some folks come out, and I borrow a phone. I call, and it rings and rings and rings. I know that paranoid Mr. Junky won't answer a number he doesn't know. I call again. I call his parents and ask, "Is he there?"

Of course he isn't there. I ask them to try to call him with their familiar number, and I thank the first person to loan me a phone. I stand, and fret, and sort of cry, and walk around, and look at the addicts coming out of the N.A. meeting and sort of hate them for what they probably do to their loved ones, and kind of scope them out to see if one of them would make a nice husband, and then more people come out who I know, and I borrow a phone again, and I call him, and he doesn't pick up, and I call his parents, and he's not there and he didn't pick up.

By this point, there's a giant knot in my stomach. How long will it take me to learn not to trust him with my stuff, with plans, with anything?

I leave, but stop at a gas station pay phone to try his folks one more time. They'd spoken to him, and he was on his way to their house. I drove on to their house to meet him.

The crisis was small, and it had nothing to do with drugs...however, it had everything to do with selfishness, thoughtlessness, and his seeming inability to ever, ever, ever have his shit together. We never said that we'd meet at his parents'. We were going to meet in the parking lot. It was very clear. He changed his mind, probably, because he was late or eating dinner or jerking off or watching tv, and decided that he'd just meet me at his parents, without considering that there'd be no way for me to know that he was just driving out there.

I was telling a friend about this little episode, and I said that as long as he's not committing felonies or doing heroin, he feels like he's doing really well. It's frustrating, though, when the bar has been dropped so low. Yes, he wasn't doing heroin, and I thank God for that, but he was driving me nuts and being really selfish and stupid and inconsiderate.

Also, because of his heroin and felony behavior in the past, when he is disappeared for any amount of time, I get pretty sure that he is doing heroin or felonies. At least for a moment, I am terrified and heartbroken. The fact that I'm even writing about this briefest and stupidest lapse into the land of idiocy indicates that things are going well between us, that he's doing well and I'm doing well...however, I'm still waiting for the turning point, when things go bad...when he's gone, not answering, unresponsive, and when I either won't see him again because he's dead or in jail or when I do see him again, he's all mushy faced and droopy eyed and awful.


Stagnant Artist said...

I wish i could say that this just applies to addicts.. but i find i have this problem with men in general. Sorry boys, but you are pretty flaky. When too many things are thrown at them, it gets messed up. Men can't multi task, which women are very very good at.

Ingrid said...

I'm sorry his guyness made you jumpy. I don't think this is a small thing. Granted, it is not a major transgression in the sense that relapsing or commiting felonies are, but it is inconsiderate, selfish behavior that directly affects the person closest to him.

Did he apologize at all or acknowledge his screwup?

Madness (JAA) said...

Fuck. I'm sorry, girl.
Scout said...

I immediately thought the same thing - this does not seem to be an addict problem but a guys-in-general one. :)

This probably doesn't help you at all - just being a guy is definitely enough to make anyone crazy. I am single, think that helps? No, because I have a brother, who is just as guilty - he was actually 45min late for coffee last time we met. 45min that I was sitting alone in a cafe, being told every ten minutes that he is almost there - could have spent that time shopping!

So, I hope things will get better.

German hug,

Recovery Discovery said...

Here's my unsolicited, 20-20 hindsight, easy-enough-when-it's-not-my-addict opinion. Your agreement was to meet in the parking lot. When he didn't keep his end, you were under no obligation to find him and/or drive on to his parents. I wonder what he woulda done if he'd gotten to his parents and had no way to get home since he forgot to meet you. Natural consequences are powerful stuff. But like I said, it wasn't my addict. Had it been me, I woulda been a puddle in the parking lot or calling 12 bajillion times.

thejunkyswife said...

I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW! That's what my magical sponsor said. She said I should go home. I don't listen, and I don't learn. I'm a big bag of stupid.

My excuse, though, is that he had my phone, and I wanted my phone.


Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I have been thinking about this lately -- the going crazy when things do not go as planned, when the addict changes things up. I was going to blog about it today, but things are so fucking crazy here I don't know if I'll finish it...

Addicted 2 my addict said...

i feel you on this 110% One time after swearing id never let F use my car again i let him take it to wawa right down the street. the whole trip should have taken him 15 20 minutes. after 35 minutes went by i was about to go crazy. 45 minutes i was practicly having a heart attack convincing my self that he was getting high or had stolen my car and i was never going to see it or him again. I did a crazy insane thing, i called wawa... i gave his discription and asked if he was there.. thats what made me realize im not a crazy stalker g/f im scared and i dont trust him well needless to say after that episode i never let him use the car again. turned out "the battery died" i wasnt convinced but he was back and so was my car.