Monday, September 3, 2007

Breaking News!

My husband still acts like a drug addict!

I wonder how long it will take before this stops shocking me?

We've had a few really great days between the two of us, even with the mess of the Stray acting a fool. He's been almost normal-seeming...loving, tender and interested in looking towards the future, becoming a better man, a better husband. We've had moments over the last few months where he seemed to "get it," but never this sustained level of sanity over a period of several days. It seem(s)ed like real growth.

And I'm trying to keep my expectations in check...so he went to two meetings, and even participated in one...that doesn't make him "fixed," much as I might like to indicate that he's fixed with my post labels. I know this...

Today, however, was supposed to be his first day at work. He slept all crazy, up and down, up and down. We woke up this morning, and he went to check his email, and he screams, "FUCK!" He'd gotten a notice that the shop wouldn't be open today, and he should come in tomorrow.

Suddenly, he switched gears and became all emotional and clingy and needy of my stuff and wanting me to change my plans for the day and weird and pissy and addicty.

I'm wondering if that's going to be his default, baseline emotion for times of stress (and even mild stress...he can start the job tomorrow) forever? Or will it get better, if he keeps up the meetings regularly and keeps trying to grow...maybe he will nip that shit in the bud. The whole look on his face changes...and it makes me respond really badly, too. I go into "NO" mode...no matter what he has to say, when he looks and acts like that, I say, "NO! NO! NO!" and I go into another room. I hide upstairs. I ignore him and fume.

I guess I'm answering my own question...and already, he's resolved the problem of having nothing to do today by calling a friend to ask him to come pick him up, and he's acting satisfied.

Sometimes, writing here is like processing for me...I don't know why you folks read it...it's kind of awful writing, or at least really different writing from what I think of as good writing. The process is all apparent. It's often unedited. I begin in one space, and I end in another, and I work it out as I go. It's like looking inside a head, which isn't like looking at good writing.

Blogging's weird.

9 comments:

longvowels said...

blogging is weird. And he'll be all right, he just needs time.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I wonder the same thing: why do people read all of my crappy processing writing? And (the codie in me): oh, no! The crappy processing writing is so bad that no one will ever come back and read me. Please don't leave!

Yet I never think when I'm reading your writing: damn, crappy processing writing. I love it all because part of what makes the way you write beautiful is that the way you think is beautiful. Just goes to show ya, codie girl! ;)

amanda said...

blogging is weird. but i love it. I use it for thought processing also. I'll think things out as I type, and then be amazed I found my own solution. I'm such a goon.

PS. I really enjoy reading your blog.

Anam_Kihaku said...

dont know if thats just a junkie deal but hubby does the same deal when stuff hes built himself up to doesnt go that way - and hes just a bipolared geek... time helps but it sounds like he was lookign forward to this new shop and built hinself for for a fresh start and then had ti taken from him so he was lost for a minute and wante dyou to save hom again...

but then i could be talking arse!!

Wayward Son said...

This type of writing is therapeutic fior the writer. But I know that feeling of thinking there is an audience who expects something different. Perhaps we do. But it is also kinda fun to start constructing a comment in my head while at the beginning of this type of post and then realizing that you have already come to the same or similar conclusion by the time I reach the end. Any comment would be redundant. So i have to settle for thinking what a smart person you are and it's not such a bad feeling to have.

WS

Micki said...

We read it because we write for the same reasons you do. Writing it out is a little like taking what I need to process out of my head so that I can see it better. I recognize your need to do that and I identify with. Our issues are very different, but the way we process them is very much the same most of the time.
I'm not an addict, never been one - but my reactions to stress have been like your husbands. I have melted down, about the same things over and over again. It drove him nuts. It has gotten better with time and recognizing it for what it is. Simple anxiety. I would have been anxious about starting a new job and ready to get the first day done so I could release some of the anxiousness. Now the anxiety has to be endured for another day with no crutch to take it away. It sounds like he recognized the need to get out of the house and find a healthy distraction. I'm hoping that is what he did.
Wow - I apologize for the verbal diarrhea. A whole helluva lot more than you needed~!

Stagnant Artist said...

i think he just needs a constant in his life, besides you. He had depended on the job being open today. That was his anchor. When that anchor was gone, that unleashed the crazy. He hasn't had a work anchor in a while. I think it's part fear and part nerves. Once life starts acting normal on him, then maybe he will act normal on life.

msb said...

Hey I love reading other peoples process. I love others telling me their thoughts on my process. Guess its years of meetings.

For me, as an addict, I don't handle disappointment well. I get all clingy, emo, ect...

I really hate clingy emo people.

Thats weird.

sKILLz said...

I think you write really well whether its all over the place or thought out already. Please keep writing, I will definitely keep reading.
As an addict I too get very disappointed and then think the world will come to an end because it didnt happen the way it was supposed to. I have to remember that I am NOT in control of anything. What happens happens. But as an addict we all behave and react in the same manner.
Thank you for your continued writing.

Gypsy (Skillz Wife)