Sunday, August 12, 2007

Wait A Minute, I Kick Ass!

I've tried to get you out of my head but I can't seem to get you out of my flesh. I think about your body day and night. When I try to read it's you I'm reading. When I sit down to eat it's you I'm eating. When he touches me I think about you. I'm a middle-aged happily married woman and all I can see is your face. What have you done to me?
-Jeanette Winterson

I was just outside doing some special forensic science to discover who is responsible for the most recent break-in (If you were reading and writing at Cuntface, you'd know all about it. If you would like to be invited, send me an email to, and be ready to grovel, beg, and explain why you're worthy.), and I remembered something about myself: I'm a fucking badass.

I used to practice martial arts, like 4 times a week for four years. I was fit and happy and strong, and I thought I could beat everyone up. I'd look forward to interactions where I might have a chance to beat the fuck out of some dumb mother fucker who wanted to mess with me. I'd go to my school and feel like I was coming home. I had friends there...good friends...that best kind of strong-ass woman friends. We were fucking ninjas. We'd punch each other and kick each other in the heads and fuck up boards and kick the asses of dudes and bitches and bags and everything...and then, we'd go drink mojitos. We were Charlie's Angels, but smarter.

God, I miss myself.

Now, I'm 20 pounds heavier and scared to walk around my own house. What the fuck happened?

I know part of what happened was that I couldn't find a martial arts school like the one I left after I moved back to the South. And for the last six months, we've been embroiled in this whole heroin crisis, and it has consumed me in a way that is really, really unhealthy.

I can only imagine how fucking good beating the shit out of a bag would have been for me during those early days. I know, oh I know, that beating the shit out of something, someone, anything or anyone would be for me right now.

So I was looking at some stuff in the back yard, and then I was hitting stuff in the back yard, and then my knuckles were bleeding and things were broken and I was crying, crying, crying because there is no reason why I can't be fit, strong, healthy and happy in just that same way.

What have I done? Where the fuck am I, and why?

So tomorrow, goddamn it, I'm going to check out two more schools. I gave up on the search, but there are two near my house. I need it more than anything right now, to feel strong, fit, healthy, beautiful.

I'm going to bite a motherfucker in the jugular. Nobody better mess with me.


longvowels said...

Yes, yes, yes!!!!!!!
That's it!!!! That's why I started this gym shit! I feel so strong and so good and so much more relaxed at the same time. It makes me want to punch people in the throat!!!!!!
I LOVE IT!!!!!!!

Stagnant Artist said...

HOORAY!!!!! my ninja bitch is coming back into training! woohoo! When i get my ass down there i will teach you your form..... i am doing the black belt form Cordio. woot! Train with us. Jess and i went running on Sundays along the pier. You run with us..... down there for an hour. Get your ass up and moving. We are with you in spirit.

amanda said...

i laughed so hard about biting a motherfucker in the jugular that I nearly pissed myself.

Anonymous said...

Men aren't the only one's that need that warrior mentality, the ninja heart.

Get on with your bad ass self!

Shifra said...

Strength, so many different kinds, you have many of them. But kicking ass has always made you happy so go for it with all those other strengths.

Anonymous said...

I still think I could take you.

thejunkyswife said...

Nah, Scout...I'm not playing...I'll bite you!

You should come over and we'll fight! It'll be fun!

Anonymous said...

It would be awesome. I haven't tried to kick any ass for probably close to a decade now.
But save the biting for the llama farm, k?

Stagnant Artist said...

i will agree.... she does bite. I have grappled with her and when she gets frustrated, the first instinct is to bite. She gets into girl bitch fight mode. Fucking scary. Lucky i can kick her ass and get out of it... hehe

Married to an Addict said...

Ah, the addict-marrying 20 pounds. That's what it is, really. I've lost 10 of mine already. But it is hard!!

elf_fu said...

I can't read the other journal anymore. Says the teacher took away my hall pass.

living hopefully, wishing and waiting.. said...

OH Yeah,.. I TOTALLY feel you on this ninja, ass beating! Its kinda funny, but every time I hear certain music,.. (GNR's Appetite for Destruction always does it for me), Its trippy how it works but I find myself wanting to pull out my hair, punch myself in the face and start smashing on the next person I see! (Its kinda giving me that feeling right now as I'm writing this, thinking about it. lol) This last Ozzfest I went to was the very first year I DIDNT get in a fight, and although I've gotten older and chilled out A LOT after my second child,.. I cant help but feel like I've lost my inner "bad-ass",.. I've turned into such a weinie!