Thursday, August 23, 2007

Mind On Fire.

Now I've always been a moody bitch, but my ups and downs over the last few days have been astonishing to me. My husband is moody, generally, and specifically right now while his brain is all heroin-addled and unrecovering...so he has an excuse. I don't.

In the middle of the night, I woke up, frantic about money. I sobbed and got online, searching for a part time job. Then I sobbed because I'm even considering getting a part time job. Then I went to get in bed, and I felt all warm and safe and happy in his arms. He grumbled in that delicious, sleepy way, and folded me up. And I fell asleep for a bit, and then I woke up, furious that he had me in his arms, furious that he had the audacity to be asleep at 3:30 in the morning instead of online, looking for jobs. And then I got up and stomped around, mad as hell. And then I wanted more of that arm-folding, and so I was back to bed, and warm and fuzzy again, and asleep, and then awake, and horny and wanting to fuck, and then asleep, and then awake, scared about money....

What the fuck? So now I'm at work, exhausted because my mind was on fire all night.

6 comments:

longvowels said...

maybe you have lost your mind or maybe being up at 3 in the morn' was a way for you to honor you.

M was up til 3 too. couldn't sleep.

Wayward Son said...

I know what you mean. This "feeling" stuff can be VERY exercising. Sometimes, especially if I have been consistently meditating, I can put a little space between myself and those gazillion feelings I just had in the space of ... I don't know... 10 minutes and say to myself "WS, you sure do have a WIDE repertoire of emotions at your disposal. You must be special!"

Sometimes... just sometimes. But it is a fabulous feeling when I can that.

Stagnant Artist said...

maybe it's cause you are freaking nuts and you need to learn to turn you mind off. hehe. i kid cause i love. but seriously, turn that mind off. i can hear it up here

Ej. said...

Hmm, I wonder when having heroin head and not recovering became an excuse for crazy behavior?

lol.

teasing.

Chloe said...

Kolonapin 1mg has stopped that for me. The world could end, & wouldn't hear a sound. Or if i did, i wouldn't care. I went through that waking up thing for quite some time. It can really take a physical & emotional toll.
It's kind of a trade off for me, very black and white. Complete serenity or complete insanity. But you know me, i don't like to "feel" what i'm feeling!

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I know, it's because you were thinking about me. ;)

Seriously, I've had those nights before and they suck -- they hit their height when my husband was at the height of his addiction and my son was a baby and I was high and raging on hormones.