Thursday, August 2, 2007

Know what I hate?

I hate when my husband falls asleep. It takes me to a bad place. When he was using and I thought he was depressed and overworked (Vowels and I were just talking about the good old days when I never saw him because he wouldn't stop working all the time) and everything else, he'd sleep and sleep and sleep and never wake up. He'd nod off on the couch while we were talking or watching a movie. He'd nod off standing up or in the car or sitting with friends. He had this incredibly long, incredibly obnoxious blink that he did, all the time. I hated it, but I didn't know how much I hated it until now. He'd just close his eyes, as if he were very, very disappointed in you. As if the world were just too much. I fucking hated it. It's like a 50 year old lady gesture. A mom gesture, when she just doesn't want to see your lip piercing. He'd blink, forever, and I'd say, "Stop that. It's dumb."

I didn't know he was off floating in opiate euphoria, the son of a bitch.

So now, when he falls asleep, no matter if he has only had 3 hours sleep in 3 matter if he got fired today in a way that was crazy and upsetting and matter what, my first thought is, "Oh My God. He's Using." Same thing if we don't have sex. I don't think, "He lost his job today and probably doesn't feel very good about himself." I think, "He's shooting heroin into his eyeballs in the bathroom and lying to me and now I'm going to kill him before he kills himself waaaahhhhh!"

I have all these tools now...I detach. I read things. I call people. I write. And, I know that he's not least not today. I get back from the bad place more gracefully. But I still go there, and I want the space in my mind back.


I also am finding that when I'm not good, for all the reasons that I'm not good today, I go there more quickly and with a more fevered pitch.

I was lying in the bathtub tonight, thinking about this. All these things are so based in love and fear...I'm so afraid of losing him, of losing this thing that has grown between us. I don't want him to shoot heroin in his eyeballs and die. I don't want him to be such a fatal fuck up that I can't be with him. I want all the beauty that I know is inside him to come out. I want us to have a family and for him to be proud of himself. I know he can, but I don't know if he will. I want him to be ok, or better than ok. I want him to be wonderful and sure of himself and his place in the world.



Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I hate when my husband goes to sleep too -- I hate it when he is tired and nodding off somewhere and won't go to bed. And I can't even figure out why I hate it so much, because it's not like he's shooting heroin in his eyeballs... I don't know. Maybe they are just going to a place where we can't find them, leaving us before we are ready to have them leave... Just like when they are acting out, shooting up, we feel abandoned.

Alyssajune said...

Is amazing..almost unreal to me to read your stories and to get chills b/c everything ur saying i feel. The falling alseep thing is a hard for me to get over.. if i am driving and he is in the passangers seat i look over at him CONSTANTLY too see if his eyes are shut. if it happens a few times.. i assume he is high and i start hating him.. even if seconds b4 we were great and having a great time.. my whole mood changes..and then i make up excuses "well maybe he is just tierd? has somthing in his eye?" i beg for an asnwer that isnt..he is using.. Im right here with. it happens to be one of by biggest issues

kristi said...

My brother (who just got out of jail) is a drug addict and alcoholic. He says he can't stand his wife's unsureness about him, he has apologized, so what more can he do? I told him apologizing isn't enough. He has stolen everything he could get his hands on, she has stood by him and drug her son thru it as well. I told him he and SHE need to go to meetings or this will be a vicious circle.

Anonymous said...

Wow, do I ever know this one--but from the other side.
Every time I am sleepy or don't feel well, etc. it raises some sort of doubting eyebrow in my gf. And of course it would -- I was a fricking liar to the core.
She has become better with some time now, but ti still comes up from time to time. I just try to reassure her when I see it there.
What I have done is gonna take a long, long time to rebuild. Trust is a tricky thing -- all I can do is show up and do my part to be trustWORTHY.
Excellent post.

Micki said...

I wish that I had written this line because it is perfect:
"But I still go there, and I want the space in my mind back."

All you can do is pray that all of the life's energy, time and thought you have spent to make your own life and his wonderful is well spent. The cliche' goes "you get out of it, what you put into it". You should get the whole fucking pot of gold, the rainbow and the leprechaun who turns out to be Johnny Depp.

thejunkyswife said...

Why thank you,Micki...sometimes I think I've gotten some awful postmodern prince who turns out to be a frog...hah!

sKILLz said...

Hmm this one is a thinker for sure. I sometimes feel better when shes sleeping because I know shes safe, but at the same time I want her to be with me and spend that time with me.
I know that when Im sleeping she feels alone and I hate myself for that. I dont want her to ever feel like that as long as we are together.
How do you get that space back? Right now honestly I cant say, shit I dont even know how to get my space in some kind of order.