The Things I'm Not Saying.

Lately, I've not wanted to talk about relationship-stuff so much. I think because it's getting somewhat boring for me. It's the same, every time, and it's not going to go away until he feels better about himself.

I tried to explain to him today in the car when we had a little blow up that he is overly sensitive right now because he doesn't feel good because he's not working and that it doesn't really have anything to do with me...I'm just behaving normally. He doesn't buy it. He feels like I attack him, and he says I attack him "constantly."

I don't know if he's right or not, but I don't think that he is...I'm trying to remember the broken clock thing, though...perhaps he's partly right. I have lost some respect for him, and I am frustrated with his unemployment and his weird moods...but he is so quick to offense now, and one thing I always liked about him is that he could kind of take my bullshit.

The fight today, for instance, was a normal husband and wife fight. I was driving, and he was reading my directions. An exit was approaching, and he misread the directions, so I missed my exit. I was annoyed, and he freaked out. I tried not to engage him, but he kept ON and ON saying things like, "I can't wait until I have a job and I can talk to you like you're an idiot!" and blah, blah, blah.

I managed not to respond that if I ever get addicted to heroin, steal his money, and proceed to be unemployed and completely insane for 3 months, he's welcome to get annoyed with me while driving if that's the extent of his response. But I didn't. I apologized, and tried to make him think about what had really happened, and whether or not my frustration with having missed our exit really had anything to do with him not having a job...

And while I'm right, it didn't have anything to do with him not having a job, he's also right. It's one of those impossible post-modern conundrums, multivalent and endless...even in the most basic sense, our argument occurred because he's unemployed, in that we were on our way to a shop for him to interview.

And he's probably at least sort of right. I probably am quicker to temper than I was before this mess, more inclined to annoyance, more powerful in our relationship.

What's most upsetting to me, though, is that I can't fix it. He's the only one who can make this better. He's trying, but it's still hard to watch, hard to wait.