Suddenly, I'm all panic-stricken again. It started yesterday with me looking on Craigslist to see if I could find any interesting job prospects for him, and I started thinking how hard it's going to be with his criminal record. Then he came to pick me up from work, and we went looking at studios to see if there were any good ones hiring. Everywhere we went, it was either closed or everyone said, "No."
Nothing helped. It didn't matter that I have a cool job. It didn't matter that he has a great portfolio. Nothing made people want to hire him.
So I got very upset...very panicked. It's scary to think of how easy it was to get to this place. We were buying a house. We were maybe going to have a baby. He was going to work for the best shop in town. Now, I'm paying all the bills, and he's unemployed and without prospects. We were driving around in the rain, frustrated and scared.
The most frustrating thing for me is that he's been clean in the time that he's been fucking up his new job...or at least mostly clean. He can't blame the drugs for that. He just fucked up.
But then, after all the job hunting and the disappointment, we went home. I took a bath. Some friends came over, and he was smiling and charming and silly and sweet, and I was smitten, just like I always am.
We went to bed feeling very close. We woke up, very close.