Wednesday, May 23, 2007

"Do You Mind?"

He says to me, "Do you mind?"

I was on the phone with Savannah. It was a short conversation. I wanted to scream at him. He said it nicely, but it still isn't a nice thing to say. I do mind. I mind being asked, "Do you mind?"

It's a patronizing question. I wanted to scream, to strangle. I did not. I went in the other room. I realized I was angry beyond reason...not just about a snippy comment, but about months of struggling, his stealing and lying...lots of things that didn't have to do with the comment. So I decided to leave for a few minutes to cool off. I got my phone, my keys, and said, "I'll be back in a little while." I thought I'd go to the grocery store, talk to Meagan on the phone, unwind a bit.

But no, he couldn't let me go. He had to make a giant-ass scene, scream, say, "SEE HOW I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT?"

I don't know why his inability to do anything right is my fault in his mind. I agree, he can't do anything right. That's his bucket of shit.

He had a hissy fit because he wanted my car today, and he had compelling enough reasons for keeping it (job hunting). I let him use it, but asked him to please be careful with my gas, as it's like a million dollars a gallon. He always says that I'm crazy when I say that he burns up all my has like a madman, so I flipped the odometer today to be able to have concrete proof of whether or not I'm nuts. He drove 98 miles today, using up most of my gas. I don't understand why, why, why he always does this shit. Why does he say he'll be careful with the gas and then proceed to drive it all out of the car? Why can't he keep his promises?

It's right there in the Nar-Anon book...addicts won't keep their promises. I have to start respecting my stuff, more, again. The car is one of my 3 boundaries (no money, ever, for any reason, no lying, and no car). I've been flexible with the car, though, when I thought it would help him get his life together. But I have to stop...

He's just so goddamned compelling sometimes, with his beautiful eyes and his hair and smelling that way that makes me completely helpless to him...and he has such an ability to convince me that what he's about to do makes sense, or that it's really what I want. I don't know when I'll stop believing. Maybe it's never.

1 comment:

April said...

Reading these posts ring right to my heart because I have been in these same positions. Thinking you are doing some good when in reality we are both just messing with ourselves. 98 miles? I don't know what you are thinking he did with it, but since we are both in the same position, I am sure you are thinking the same thing I am. Probably doing drugs again right? Getting high however it is possible, whatever feasible way. And at the time, using your car was the way to go.

I know what you mean, exactly what you mean, about the eyes, and the hair, and the smell. I know what you mean about being so easily convinced. What I have found about myself is that it is so much easier to "be convinced" than to face reality. Perhaps that is what is happening. But when you do stop believing, and you will, it doesn't mean you have to leave. He has to WANT to change. It can be hard to tell - we both know that lying is so EASY for addicts. It's easier to believe the lies than the truth. His smell will still be there when the truth comes out. And then, you will savor it even more.