Thursday, May 10, 2007

Change, Change, Change

"Consider how hard it is to change yourself, and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others."

Changing is hard. We had a stupid interaction last night. He'd made a big deal about how he'd clean the carpet (goddamn this carpet. It's causing all this strife in our marriage.). He'd "promised" that he'd clean the floor and get the dog piss stains up. I asked him, please, not to promise, because then I wouldn't be upset when he didn't do it. He then proceeded to make this big ass deal about how that was the point...he was going to promise so that he could follow through and show me that he could.

Of course, he didn't. I got home, and I cleaned the floor myself. I'm tired of cleaning the floor. It was hurtful, but, as I'd told him, only because he'd "promised." I am learning that when he says, "I PROMISE," it is pretty much equivalent to saying, "I HAVE NO INTENTION OF DOING THIS."

Because of our recent fight where he informed me that I'm not allowed to be upset anymore, and that I have to be "cheerier," I kept all of this inside. I wasn't overly warm, but I didn't say anything. He kept asking me what was wrong, and I kept saying, "Nothing. I'm fine." Finally, after the third time he asked, I responded, "I thought I wasn't allowed to be anything except fine." This pissed him off.

I'm finding all of this to be really unfair and frustrating. I'm willing to play by his rules. I'll pretend that things are ok when they're not, knowing in my heart that I will leave him once it gets to be more than I'm able to handle. It's unfortunate that it's got to be that way, but it's how he wants it. It isn't fair for him to keep pushing me, though.

Goddamn it.

1 comment:

aj said...

i have been a junie and i have been involved with several junkies. that having been said, i think that noone in the world is better at manipulation than someone who has a drug habit. my most recent boyfriend would lie and lie and lie and make me think he was doing so good, and then each night i would see his eyes and know that he didn't say those things about changing b/c he meant them. he said them to make me get me off his back...whatever. then he would say he was sorry and do it all again the next week or the next day. the "i;m sorry, i will change" was just code for "stop yelling at me, i'm high...and i am not going to stop getting high, but you have to not be upset..b/c i said i was sorry" sometimes tears would follow, but always the same thing day after day. he wasn't serious about not getting high, he was serious about manipulating my emotions. i think that an addict loves their loved ones with all they have, they just they don't love them how they should. addiction first and foremost is about selfishness and sef centeredness. once you really begin to truly love someone it is putting their well being ahead of your own...which is why i left him. i love him so much. i really do...but it is in HIS best interests for me to leave, b/c all i do is enable further drug use, b/c I WANT TO BELIEVE what KNOW are his lies. I want him to be doing good. I want him to be the man I fell in love with. So I am apart from him and I am hurting and I am missing him, bit every time i have given in before, there is no real I am feeling a little stuck either way.