Tuesday, May 8, 2007

But That's Just What You're Supposed To Do

"Niggers always want credit for some shit they're supposed to do. They'll brag about stuff a normal man just does. They'll say something like, 'Yeah, well, I take care of my kids.' You're supposed to, you dumb motherfucker. 'I ain't never been to jail.' Whaddya want? A cookie? You're not supposed to go to jail, you low-expectation-having motherfucker!"

In addition to the rest of this morning's fight, I forgot to mention my husband's declaration that I don't support him, that I never say, "Hey, I'm proud of you for not using. I'm sorry you're hurting, and I know it has been hard."

First of all, this is a lie. I tell him that I'm proud. I tell other people that I'm proud. I especially tell him that I am proud of him when I see real progress, like the time that he really admitted that he had fucked someone over for money. I have told him that I appreciate that he's trying to change for me, that it means a lot to me, that I respect how hard it is, that it's special to me because my first husband never tried to quit drinking at all. I go on and on about how proud I am.

And more than that, I am STILL HERE. I stay. I put up with stuff that no one should have to put up with because I can still see the beautiful person that he is inside. I still recognize the talent, the intelligence, and the sweetness that is in this man, and through all this shit, I've maintained hope. My actions are speaking loud and clear: I want to be with him. I want to have a life together. I'm investing my time, energy, heart and soul in the idea that he can do better, that it can be worth it, that we can be happy.

And moreover, you just don't get a prize for not doing heroin. I never did heroin. Where's my goddamned cookie? I go to work every day. Where's my fucking back rub? I always pay our bills. Where's my goddamned congratulatory speech?

I was telling my coworkers about this morning's fight, and one of them reminded me of the Chris Rock stand up when he was talking about low expectations. Funny.

1 comment:

John Self said...

Good point! Alexei Sayle said something similar in one of his stand-up routines back in the 80s: "Drug addicts want our approbation for stopping doing something that was a really stupid idea in the first place. It's like 'Oh, I've just stopped hitting myself over the head with this hammer!' What do you want, a medal??"

Fascinating blog by the way.