Sunday, April 22, 2007
It was a good night. I always wonder what exactly is going on when I feel like I had a good night with my husband...tonight I feel like I had 3/4 my husband, and only 1/4 addict insane-o crazy man. I have divided The Addict--the petulant, whiny, selfish, angry, cruel, abusive, lazy, limp-dicked, thieving, lying son of a bitch--from My Husband--the sensitive, intelligent, gentle, reflective, spiritual, sexy as hell man that I love.
I sometimes feel like I can see a change in his face, his demeanor...he carries himself differently when he's acting like an addict. When he's himself, he seems more relaxed, less likely to explode at me...handsomer...kinder...
Tonight he was himself. We were able to talk about how we hadn't been getting along so well, to talk about what it would be like if we weren't together, and to think clearly. I wondered tonight if the man that I was talking to...the man who I love...is the REAL man or if the other monster, The Addict, is the Real part. It's hard to tell, sometimes, who I'm going to talk to and what is going to happen.
Isn't this a lovely game? It's a great construct...the whole idea that The Addiction or The Addict is separate from the person...it is helpful in that it makes it easier to live with someone who uses drugs, but it also helps you live with someone who uses drugs. Without the framework I'm learning in Nar-Anon and other places that teach me to view addiction as an illness, I would either have left my husband by now, or I'd be completely nuts.
I guess no matter what, I'd be completely nuts, because I'd be crazy if I'd left him in the state I was in when I first found his needles. At least I'm growing as a person right now.