Death

I found this story of a woman who is struggling with her grief over her husband's overdose. She left him because of his using, and he died of an overdose after their divorce.

These kinds of stories scare me so much. With my ex-husband's alcoholism, I didn't worry so consistently about him dying. The spectre of heroin is accompanied by such a tangible sense of the possibility of death--from the story I posted yesterday of the fentanyl-tainted heroin that killed so many people last year to this story of a man who overdosed and its effect on his ex-wife, it all makes me so scared.

I asked my husband to think of the possibility of his death from overdose the next time he was thinking of using, and to think of what his death would be like for me. Because my parents don't know that I'm married, I wouldn't even be able to go to my family for support. I've heard horror stories about heroin addicts in recovery who think they can use just ONE MORE TIME, and how because their tolerances have dropped off in the time since they were using regularly, they overdose.

Also, junkies are so secretive and use alone so often. I am afraid he will start using again and hide it from everyone because he doesn't want me to know and doesn't want to look bad or weak.

I guess I'm just scared, scared in every way. I want some hope back in my life, and sometimes I feel like I have it. Sometimes I feel like I can see the man I love inside the mess he's become--there are these lucid moments when we can really communicate and connect. I wish I could say I felt like those moments were happening more and more frequently, but I don't think they are. If anything, they seem less frequent.

I guess, though, that as long as they're there, it's something to hold on to.