Monday, April 16, 2007


Holding onto anger is like holding a hot coal with the intent to throw it at someone else. You are the one who gets burned.

-Buddhist proverb

I'm having a hard time with anger.

I have chosen to continue to be in a relationship with this man, at least for now. If I am choosing to stay with him, I need to find a way to redirect this rage. I can't keep this way of life up much longer. I am struggling to forgive him, struggling to move on. I am struggling with not criticizing him all the time. I'm doing better than I thought I might be able to...for instance, when I got home tonight and none of the things he said he was going to do were done, I didn't say anything about it.

I know that we aren't going to be able to move on if I don't stop, but I am not yet ready to let go of my hurt. It feels like an injustice to myself to let it go.

There are also these things--for instance, the bowl where he had oatmeal last night. It's sitting on the dresser in the bedroom. Still. It is caked up and gross. It will probably sit there for weeks if I don't move it.

So either I move it and wash it, which makes me mad because it is a gross thing that I didn't make, or I let it sit there, and every time I see it, I feel rage. Ideally, I'd like to be able to ignore the bowl and let him deal with it. But the bowl is driving me nuts right now. I don't know how to ignore it.

All these little things...all these big huge's all so hard.

I don't like being a grown-up. I don't like these problems. I want somebody to come get me, come fix it.

1 comment:

Shifra said...

I know, I feel unprepared for grown up myself.