Oh.

I let my domain name expire, so that's why all my writing is attached to a porn-ish site. I wonder if there's something I can do to make whoever owns it now take it down? I don't own the URL anymore, but I definitely created that content. Created it over years...sweat, blood, tears went into that content. Literal sweat, blood, and tears.

Man.

But, the good news for me is that all my content is here. I can have it and edit it however I want.

And now that I'm resurrecting this identity, I'm remembering some of the tools I had during those hard years. So in my frustration, I'll express some gratitude. I'm grateful for the sleeping children, their warm, healthy bodies right beside me. I'm grateful for the husband, sleeping to get ready to care for them tomorrow. I'm grateful for the tiny kitten curled up beside the baby. I'm grateful for my fun, frustrating job. I'm grateful for my body, strong and healthy.

Is there anybody out there?

Hi.

I've been thinking a lot lately about this place and this person, who I used to be.

See, my life is a lot different than it was when I shut this thing down. In many ways, so much better. Sweeter.

My husband is still my husband. He is sober. Faithful. Imperfect. Sometimes, I think I'm going to leave him. Sometimes, I think I'm going to love him forever. We have kids. He's a wonderful daddy. He's a wounded man, plagued by mental illness. But he's not doing heroin anymore.

He went to rehab when I was pregnant with our first child. I found out I was pregnant when he was in rehab. I got a real job, where I made good money and had health insurance, finally. And that did the trick. Now we live kind of normally. Also kind of crazily. But it's better.

But in so many ways, I'm still spinning. I went from the woman writing this blog, running away from an avalanche that was just inches behind me, licking my heels, to holding a baby...which is, in many ways, just as nerve-wracking as living with an addict. I don't think I ever stopped running, and I'm losing track of who I am.

See, when your husband is sick with heroin addiction, nobody brings you a lasagna. You aren't invited to take a break, to recover. There is no rehab for the junky's wife. There is support. There are friends, There is Nar-Anon and Al-Anon. But there isn't a season of recovery, grief, and rest, and I think I've needed it for so long.

And I've lost track of myself as a writer. My identity as a writer kept me ahead of the avalanche when I was writing here. Having a forum, an audience, and telling the story gave it all a purpose. The emails I got from readers (and that I still get sometimes, even all these years later) gave it all a purpose. Writing for hire doesn't really have a purpose, in the same way.

So maybe, I'm going to bake myself a spiritual lasagna. In the next few years, once our youngest kid weans, I want to go on a retreat, and take all this material, and turn it into a memoir. And in the meantime, I think I want to reconnect with the best parts of The Junky's Wife. I want my writer back, and this was the best place to meet her.

And I want to figure out how to get the weird, nasty messages off my last post. Anybody know WTF that's about?

Goodbye.

I think I'm retiring this identity now. It has served me well, but I want to tell other stories.

If you have found this site and it has been helpful to you, I am happy. I am happy that my experiences with my husband's addiction have been useful.

And to anyone who might find it for the first time, please know that God is with you. In the most difficult times, I've been able to feel God's hand holding me, carrying me through.

I can offer no better advice than this from pg. 164 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous:

Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.

May God bless you and keep you -- until then.
***Read my blog from the beginning by starting here.

Rolling with the Roller Coaster.

I'm doing ok. It's kind of a miracle.

My husband spent the first night at home last night in about 10 days. Not because he wanted to or anything...it's not like he likes me or whatever. He just felt really sick and didn't have anywhere else to go.

I am his safe haven. I wish he were mine. Maybe one day, he will be.

I have found serenity in this situation. I cannot change my husband. I cannot even change his heart. His rejection of me is hard, and it makes me sad sometimes--I just don't believe it's really him rejecting me. It's him in his sickness, not him.

Every now and then, I see a tiny glimpse of my real husband. It's far away, like he's across a field, inside a house, behind a door. I can see him peeking through a tiny window. He's still there, just kind of trapped right now.

My love is patient, though. It is also kind. It forgives, protects, trusts, hopes, and always endures. I'll be waiting for him on the other side.

Prayer.

Please, God, help me to let go of this situation with my husband. Please help me to remember that it is out of my control and no amount of crying, stalking, cajoling, or other manipulations will change his course of action. Help me to trust that he will change when he is ready to change.


God, please grant me some release from this anxiety. My stomach is churning, and I am having trouble concentrating on the work I need to do for myself. Please fill me with the energy and motivation to take care of myself.



Please help me with wisdom and discernment in this situation. Please help me to understand, to the extent that you would have me understand, what is going on with my husband right now. Please help me to see when it is time to get out of this marriage, and help me to exit with some kindness and grace. And if it is not your will for me to leave, please help me to see my husband through your eyes, God. Help me to see that he is a very sick man, and help me to respond to his sickness from a place of love. Gird me for the battle, God, and keep me strong. Please grant me the power to carry out your will and to discern what it is in the muck and mire of this situation.


Please, God, help my husband. I am not sure what kind of help he needs, but you are. Please protect him from the darkness that is encircling him right now, and help him to wake up to his true calling. He is a wonderful man underneath all of th effects of his sickness, and please, God, help him to see himself as I see him. Help him to recognize the sweetness and strength that is in side, and help him to utilize it to get himself out of the corner he's gotten backed into.

It is my greatest desire that my marriage work. More than anything in the world, I want my husband and I to grow together along spiritual lines, to get old together and to raise a family together. I want to sit by his bedside when he is an old man, and I want many, many more years of falling asleep in his arms. If it is your will, God, that he be removed from my life, please help me to release him. Help me to have faith in your plan for me, and please help my heart to heal.

Thank you, God, for giving me people to support me while I'm hurting and place I can go to feel safe. Thank you.

Amen.

Let's Try.

My husband didn't come home last night. He showed up this morning at 7 a.m. I get lost between when he is bamboozling me and when we are having communication problems and when I am paranoid and when he's trying to hurt me on purpose and when I'm deliberately misunderstanding him because I like to feel the special pain I get when I'm being hurt by him. It's comfortable and easy there.

This part is the hardest part yet, I think. I am afraid of other women, and I think my husband might be enjoying me being afraid. We both feel like we owe each other a lot of hurting.

I made this site private because he's been reading a lot, and he is particularly upset about my posts about marriage counseling, which I understand. I should have considered how he might feel if he read my posts about our private counseling sessions. It wasn't my intention to hurt him, but I see how it happened. I don't really know what to do next about this stuff.

I needed to write tonight, though. My husband has been scaring me with the spectre of other women. Maybe he's actually screwing around with other women. I've been crazy and he's been crazy, and all this not coming home and not calling or leaving a note is a new trick that I'm not ready to learn. I am in a lot of pain, and I don't know how to make it stop.

That's not true. I know how to make it stop. I have tools now. I have a lot of people who love me and who will take care of me when I am hurting. It's going to take time and be hard, but I will get better. There will be a way out.

When he finally came home this evening, he said that he wants us both to commit to trying to respect each other's feelings more. I am glad he's noticing that my feelings are getting trounced, and I am happy to try to respect his feelings more as well. I keep asking him to tell me specific things I can do to be more supportive, and he's not able to tell me much. I asked him for a few specific things, like showing me physical affection, holding me when I'm having a hard time, and trying to control his anger from turning into an outburst, and in spite of how bad the last few days have been, he has been trying.

I love him. He's hurting me, and I love him. I want this to stop, but I'm not ready to stop it. I don't know where I lost my will to leave, but it's completely gone right now.

I'm doing the best I can, though. I only have a little work to do tomorrow, so I'm planning to sleep in, go to yoga, eat good things, take a warm bath, and go easy on myself. I'm having a rough time, and I got some good advice from my sponsor tonight about being kind to myself. I know how to take good care of me, and I'll put it to work tomorrow.

Insecure.

I am feeling real insecure in my marriage right now. My husband and I had a lovely day together yesterday, but there are a lot of things that aren't right. I'm not right and he's not right, and we aren't able to communicate about it very well at all.

I feel like my heart is going to explode. I hate this feeling. I have therapy today and a meeting tonight, and I'm sitting at the prayer center I like right now. I'm trying to turn this stuff over, and I'm having a real hard time. I want to find someone to help me work through these things. Maybe I can find someone here to talk to me.

Prayers and other such white light welcome.